Where You Want To Be
by emerald-soco
Summary: Sean Cameron and Emma Nelson have lost themselves, but can they find a way back to each other?
1. Set Phasers to Stun

**Set Phasers To Stun**

_It's the words you left out that keep me awake._

You know your day is going to be a bad one when you wake up to the sounds of shrill cries, rasping coughs, and muttered curses coming from the floor above you. You know it's going to be terrible when a glance at your alarm clock informs you that it's ten-thirty on a school day. And you know you should just give up when you realize that it's actually your _first_ day of Grade Eleven, and it's half over.

The old Emma Nelson would have jumped up in a panic and fly across town in order not to miss anything else. Scratch that. The old Emma would never oversleep to begin with. The new Emma Nelson, the one that had invaded her body sometime last year and made itself at home there, simply groaned, stretched, and rolled over for another five minutes.

When she finally dragged her tired, protesting body out of bed, she headed straight for the closet. The bracelets decorating her arm clinked together as she pushed hangers aside and considered her options. Jeans, obviously. She'd lost too much weight over the summer to wear a skirt without looking like a head on stilts. And … the pink tank top, she decided. It was still warm enough, if she paired it with her fitted, white denim jacket, and maybe the cheerful color would seep into her veins and improve her mood.

It was a long shot, sure. But she liked the way the pink complimented her skin tone, not to mention the delicate lace that drew attention to her cleavage.

Mascara and lip gloss applied, she hauled herself out the window, determined to avoid her family as she had for weeks. They hadn't fought or anything like that – Spike and Snake were far too busy to even notice her, let alone take the time to pick a fight about her wardrobe or choice in companionship. It was just … easier not to face them now.

She wasn't ashamed, she assured herself, backing down the drive in her forest green Jeep. She wasn't doing anything to be ashamed of. She'd changed since the shooting, that was all. She couldn't expect her parents to understand how it felt to have a gun shoved in your face, to have all the power in someone else's hands.

Although, if she was being honest, and she supposed she could risk it since it was only her mind and no one else would know, the shooting was just an excuse. A damn good one, sure, but an excuse all the same. She'd been falling apart long before Rick gave her a reason to. Crashing and burning with Chris, alienating all her old friends, pushing Rick around before he decided to push back. His obsession with her had been the final straw. She was sick of being idealized, of having to balance on a pedestal miles higher than the general population. No one understood how hard it was to be perfect, to smile and wave and protect the environment with people constantly spitting in your face.

Sean had helped, for a time. He'd given her a purpose – if she couldn't save the world, she could at least save him. And he made her laugh. He made her see that not everything was life-or-death, not every problem needed to be solved within fifteen minutes. Just holding his hand in the hallways had always put a smile on her face for the next three days.

He was gone, now. Of course. Wasn't everyone? He saved her life, then walked out of it. Gave Ellie a tearful 'I love you' and barely spared her a glance.

"Better that way, Em," she reminded herself as she pulled into a parking space surprisingly close to the school. Her self-hatred would only grow if she knew Sean was watching sympathetically from the sidelines. "Now, focus."

Her heels clicked as she entered the school, the rhythmic tap-tap-tap a small reassurance. The sound never failed to make her feel like she was going places. She stepped into the main office with a small smile on her face.

"Running a little late, aren't we, Emma?" Liberty sailed by on her way to the newsroom, slowing down only to deliver the snide comment.

Emma felt her smile waver and prayed for patience, directing her excuse at the secretary. "Sorry. My stepfather needed my help – Mr. Simpson, the M.I. teacher? You've probably seen him around."

"Oh, sure!" The woman, who looked middle aged and worn out, brightened. "He fixed my laptop last year! He's your step-dad?"

"Well, technically, yes, but I consider him my father in every way that counts," Emma said sweetly. Every now and then, it paid to have an authority figure as a relative.

"Well, that's just fine, hon, don't you worry. Give me a minute and I'll grab you an excused note, okay?"

Emma nodded and watched the woman knock on Mr. Raditch's door. At his murmured assent, she pushed it open and Emma's jaw dropped as she made eye contact with none other than Sean Cameron.

_Well, speak of the devil, _some evil part of her brain laughed. _Thought the slide into oblivion would be easy, huh?_

"You've got to be kidding me," she muttered, and waggled her fingers in acknowledgement when he gave her a half-wave. As far as he was concerned, she knew, they were on semi-good terms. He had no idea she'd spent the entire summer alternately loving and hating him and always trying to forget him.

Her pulse picked up as Sean stood and leaned out of sight, apparently to shake Raditch's hand. Emma shook her head in disbelief. They had officially entered the Twilight Zone. Sean was making nice to Raditch and Emma was arriving three hours late, like the delinquents she hung around.

_Hurry, hurry, hurry, s_he urged mentally as the secretary flitted at the principal's doorway, making small talk and blocking Sean's exit. _Come on, lady._

"Here you are, dear." The woman presented the slip of paper like it was the Holy Grail or something. Emma snatched it from her hands, thanking her while taking backwards baby-steps towards the door. "You tell your father I hope he feels better, okay, now?"

"Will do," she forced out, and made her escape. How was she supposed to survive her classes now, knowing that Sean was somewhere in the same building as her for the first time in months? Digging out her cell phone, Emma tossed the excused note into the trash and headed for the front steps.

-X-

"So what made you decide to return to Degrassi?"

Raditch clasped his hands on the desk and leaned forward, as if whatever Sean said next would profoundly interest or impact him. Sean resisted the urge to roll his eyes, and the even greater yearning to just get up and walk out. If he screwed up again, he wasn't sure _where_ he'd go. Wasaga Beach had been great for the summer, but no way was he signing up for nine months of school there. Not when he'd worked so hard to make a home here.

"It was time," he shrugged. "My parents were great – better than I expected, really – but I need to finish what I started at Degrassi. I needed to be here."

"Well, we're happy to have you," Raditch said magnanimously.

Sean practically snorted. If it hadn't been for his actions the day of the shooting, he knew Raditch would bar the door and throw himself into a lion's den before allowing Sean to roam Degrassi's hallowed halls. _Zero to hero in sixty seconds or less_. Had to be some kind of record.

He still wasn't comfortable with the whole 'saving someone's life' thing. He'd avoided it pretty easily in Wasaga, as his reputation there didn't exactly scream 'Come ask me details about my private life!". But he'd known, when he made the decision to come back, that it would be an issue again.

Stepping in front of Emma had been like second nature. Which was scary. But it was the truth. When he'd seen the gun aimed at her, his first instinct was to get between her and the weapon. He'd said as much to his mother, when she asked why in the world he'd put himself at risk like that.

_Emma's one of those people the world can't afford to lose, Mom. You'd have to know her to really understand, but she's just – she's amazing, actually. She's always on some crusade to save something, the littlest thing that no one else even gives a damn about. I just – I couldn't let her go._

"However," Raditch continued, bringing Sean back to the present. "There will be no exceptions made or rules bent in your case, Mr. Cameron. We all appreciate what you did for us last year, none more so than Ms. Nelson, I'd imagine, but don't expect to be treated any differently."

"I'm not here for a free ride, Mr. Raditch," Sean said, slightly annoyed at the speech. Had he ever asked Raditch for a single damn thing? Did the man really think that little of him, that he'd try to use saving Emma to excuse bad grades or poor attendance? "I'm here because I want to be here."

Raditch stared at him intently, then nodded. "Glad to hear it, son. Well, then, I guess we're done here. You have your schedule and – come in," he invited as a knock on the door interrupted his spiel.

"Mr. Raditch, could I have an excused …"

Sean blacked out the rest of the secretary's words. Emma Nelson stood about twenty feet away from him, staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights. And she looked good, he couldn't help but noticing. Skinnier than he remembered, but she'd maintained her curves and dressed to display them. Feeling like a fool, he lifted his hand and got a small nod in return.

"Sean? You're all set, correct?"

"W – what? Oh. Yeah. Thanks, Mr. Raditch." Surprising both of them, Sean shook his hand before taking his leave. He got out of the office just in time to see Emma step outside. Torn, he glanced down at the schedule in his hands, then at the exit. With only a small twinge of remorse, he folded the paper into his pocket and headed for the doors.

-X-

"Emma."

She closed her eyes and kept her back turned. Maybe he would get the hint. Maybe he would turn out to be a figment of her imagination. Maybe … had she mentioned that her luck lately had been less than good?

Sean laid a hand on her shoulder and settled himself on the steps beside her. "Em. What are you doing out here?"

"Waiting for my ride," she replied, glancing up at him from under her bangs. "You're back?"

"Until Raditch finds some innane reason to kick me out, yes," he grinned. Intolerance for the principal and his crackpot policies had always been common ground for them.

She nodded. "How'd that happen? Thought you were staying in Wasaga."

"And I did," he pointed out. "For the summer. But … I don't know. When it came time for school to start again, I realized how much I missed Degrassi. Even with everything that's happened, I can't imagine going anywhere else."

"Me, neither," she whispered. She didn't mention that she still dreamed about the day he saved her. Rick's hand in hers. His whispered pledge. _This is all for you_. How eerily calm he'd been about killing her. How close it had come.

"So …" Sean looked around, enjoying the warm sun and the cool breeze that surrounded them. "How have you been?"

_Dying slowly inside. Missing you terribly. Spiraling out of control._ She cleared her throat. "Pretty good, thanks. And you?"

He considered. "It was a good summer. My parents and I … we're a lot better now."

"That's good to hear," she said, flooring herself with the sincerity of it. She hadn't cared about much the past couple months. The fact that Sean's reunion with his family had worked out shouldn't have sent a thrill down her spine. Her breath caught when she saw the car traveling towards them. "Listen, I gotta go. You should get to class, you know. The first day's important."

_Then why aren't you going_? he wanted to ask. Before the words could make it out of his mouth, she was down the steps and in the car. Sean squinted, but the windows were tinted and the driver took off almost before she'd slammed the door.

"Good to see you, too, Em," he muttered, then sighed and reentered the school.

-X-

"Cameron's back, I see."

Emma stared out the window, watching the scenery rush by. "That he is."

"Did the two of you have a tear-jerking reunion on the steps of Degrassi? Oooh, or how about directly in the spot where you almost died together last year? That's, what, dramatic irony, right? Or something. Come on, Cause Girl, give me all the details. Were there tears? Please tell me Cameron cried. I'll be forever grateful."

"You know what, Jay?"

"What?" His grin was cocky, challenging. He was enjoying this. The boy was seriously twisted.

"You're an ass," she informed him.

He laughed. "Don't I know it, Sprout. That's why you hang with me."

"That's _not _why I hang with you."

"Oh, really? Would you mind enlightening me, then? Why does little Emma Nelson, once destined for sainthood, waste so much time with Jason Hogart, scum of the earth?"

It was a good question. Too bad she didn't have an answer for him. These days, she didn't have any answers at all.


	2. Bonus Mosh Pt 2

Hey, everyone, thanks for all the reviews so far! I'm so glad people like what I'm doing with the characters. Keep the feedback coming, it's very motivational. Also, I just realized I never disclaimed this story, so here it is: I do not own Degrassi or anything relating to it. The title is from Taking Back Sunday's newest c.d. and all the chapter titles and italicized phrases are from TBS's song lyrics. And now, on to Chapter Two…

**Bonus Mosh Pt. 2**

_The keys to the castle are right where I left them._

"We're having a party."

There were many things Sean had never expected Ellie Nash to say to him. In fact, he had compiled a mental list of sentences that, if uttered, could mean she'd actually gone insane. 'I don't think I'll wear black today.' 'This is my natural hair color.' 'Let's go jump on the moon.' 'I'm leaving you for Spinner Mason.' And, of course, 'We're having a party.'

Now, unfortunately, he'd have to cross off that last one. "What do you mean, a party? Like, a birthday party, with streamers and balloons? Or like, a Paige party, with drinks and debauchery?"

Ellie considered. "The former. And the latter, actually. Come _on_, Sean." She swatted at him gently with her free hand, the other clasped firmly in his. "A welcome-home party."

He grimaced, somehow knowing that had been coming. "Ugh, let's not and say we did."

"Oh, don't be such a joykill," she whined. "Sean, you were gone for _months_. We need to celebrate your homecoming."

"Can't we do that with, I don't know, dinner and a movie?"

"By which you mean, pizza and whatever game's on t.v.," she countered. "So, no, I'm going to have to veto that bright idea. Besides, it's too late to cancel."

He stopped dead in his tracks. They were walking home, since Ellie had yet to gain access to a set of wheels and Sean's car was sitting in storage until he retrieved it. But given what she'd just said, he wasn't entirely certain he wanted to get there.

"Now, El, darling. When you said we're having a party – when, exactly, did you think this little shindig was gonna take place?"

She hummed a little tune, the smile on her face saying everything she wouldn't. "Oh, no," he said, as realization dawned. "Ellie – not tonight? Ellie, please, say you're kidding."

"Listen, buster, about shindigs, I do not kid. And it's only fair that I spring this on you. You gave me, what, two days' notice before you hopped a bus and got your ass back where it belonged? I've been on the phone ever since, trying to get this thing together!"

She looked so indignant at his lack of excitement that he half expected her to stamp her foot. He chuckled at the vision of Ellie Nash, Ms. Calm, Cool, and Collected, throwing a tantrum on Main Street. "Okay, look, I'm sorry. All right? I was just hoping we could have some alone time tonight, that's all."

"There'll be plenty of time for that over the weekend," she said briskly. "You're lucky you got back on a Friday, otherwise no one would be able to come."

"That'd be tragic," he muttered.

"But as far as I know, everyone will be there," she continued, ignoring him. "I was going to let it be a complete and total surprise, but I figured you wouldn't appreciate it like a normal person would."

"Thanks for the heads up," he said wryly. "I'm gonna run very far away now, okay?"

"Stay where you are, mister," she demanded. "I refuse to let all the work that's gone into this go to waste. I've used up a month's supply of cunning in distracting you this afternoon so that Paige and Hazel could turn our place into Bourbon Street on Fat Tuesday."

"Oh, yeah, a whole lot of cunning went into that 'let's stop and get ice cream' routine," he mocked playfully, tickling her ribs. "And the 'want to walk down the pier and make out in the lighthouse?', too, that was craftiness at its best."

"Please, you were clueless. You had no idea anything was going on. I deserve a medal."

"You deserve something, all right. Who's gonna be at this thing, anyway?" He glowered in the general direction of their apartment. "I don't _like_ that many people."

"Mmm, the feeling's mutual," Ellie deadpanned. "Joke, joke! The usual crowd – Craig, Jimmy, Spinner, their girlfriends. Uh, a couple guys from your shop class. Jay and whatever hooligans that tag along with him. Marco, of course, which probably means Dylan. I think that's about it."

"Lovely. Let's skip it."

"No way, Sean."

"Aw, come on. We can go back to the lighthouse …" He leaned in close, leering suggestively. "It'll be dark. We'll have it all to ourselves."

"I'm almost tempted," she said dryly, and pushed him off. "Sean. I wanted to do something nice for you. And I wanted to show you that … well, that you made the right choice, coming back here."

"Ellie. I don't need quality time with Paige and company to know I made the right decision. I wanted to come back. I missed this place." He smiled. "I missed _you_."

"_Aw_." She melted, putty in his hands, then stiffened abruptly. "Oh, no."

"What is it?"

"I'm on the of _those _girlfriends, aren't I?" Her nose wrinkled in distaste. "Sugerpie, honeybee, schnookums. His and Her towels. Matching outfits are next, so watch out."

"I'll let you know when you cross the line," he assured her, slinging an arm around her shoulder. "Now don't we have a party to go to?"

Ellie brightened. "For real? You'll go?"

"It's my house, isn't it? And I could use a little entertainment, so why not? A party in my honor could be just what the doctor ordered."

"You're the best," Ellie beamed. "Trust me, Sean, you won't regret this!"

_Famous last words,_ a little voice inside his head scoffed. He ignored it, kissing Ellie instead, and they walked the final blocks to their home.

-X-

Sean and Ellie had a nice place. It was furnished sparsely, meticulously clean, and currently decorated with an abundance of green streamers and blue balloons. Sean's favorite colors, Emma remembered. It made her heart twinge to know that someone else knew such a trivial detail about him.

"Emma." Paige snapped her fingers in front of Emma's face, needing her undivided attention. "Earth to Emma."

"What? Oh, hi, Paige. What's up?"

Paige flicked an eyebrow up at the lackluster greeting. "Apparently not your IQ. I've been standing here for, like, an hour."

"Exaggeration," Craig piped up, shoving a handful of crackers into his mouth. "I'm an eyewitness. It was maybe thirty seconds, Ms. Michalchuk."

She spared him a withering glance. "Bite me, Manning. Emma, dear, if you'll come just come with me …" She didn't wait for Emma's response, simply grabbed her arm and hauled her through the apartment to the bathroom.

"Paige, what are we –"

Paige shushed her, closing the bathroom door and locking it. "Okay, seriously, hon, we need to outline a plan of attack. I'm thinking, we have you 'accidentally' bump into him – a real 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am', you know, then disappear for a while so he's just thinking about you, torturing himself. Are you wearing perfume? You need to be wearing perfume, because it'll stay with him."

Maybe Paige had lost her mind, too, Emma thought absently. Maybe there was something in the water that was making everyone so goddamn crazy. "Paige, I don't mean to be rude, but what the hell are you talking about?"

The older girl scowled. "Okay, let's review: You and Sean are meant to be with a capital M. He literally saved your life before he moved. And now he's back, and you're at the welcome-home party his _girlfriend _is throwing him. Are you seeing where complications might arise?"

"You're the one who _forced _me to come!" Emma burst out, throwing her arms in the air. "I was perfectly content with staying home and watching cheesy Lifetime movies!"

"You're just lucky I wouldn't let you pass on the opportunity of a lifetime," Paige said sagely.

Emma stared. "Please explain to me, in small words because apparently my brain isn't functioning properly tonight, exactly what purpose you think my being here will serve."

"Hon, you are in desperate need of some fun," Paige counseled. "And you're also in desperate need of Sean. Tonight, we can kill two birds with one stone."

"What are you talking about? Like you said, his girlfriend is throwing this party. Sean and I are over. We're past over, in fact. We're so done that –"

"That you still think about him every minute of every day," Paige cut in. "That seeing him makes you nervous and excited and angry and so in love you can't breathe? That you try to prove yourself wrong every day by doing things you know you shouldn't? That you know you wouldn't, if he were around to stop you?"

"How do you …"

"Spin and I have had our share of ups and downs, hon. We just do it more quietly than you and Sean."

It was hard to imagine anyone feeling for Spinner Mason what Emma felt for Sean. But as far as she could tell, Paige was being serious. "I don't … Paige, he's with Ellie now. He's moved on."

"Emma Nelson, look at yourself," Paige chided. She took Emma's shoulders and turned her so they were staring into the mirror above the sink. "You're beautiful. What man could resist those big brown eyes, huh? And the bangs, hon, those were a good call on your stylist's part. They add a little mystery, that 'who, me, sexy?' look that's in."

"I'm a mess," Emma said flatly. "Sean's finally getting his life together. He's made peace with his parents and he's happy with Ellie. And I am the world's biggest train wreck. I'm not gonna be the reason his life gets screwed up again. I refuse to be."

Paige gaped. "Emma –"

"Thank you for the thought, Paige," she interrupted. "I appreciate the advice and the compliments. But right now, I need to stay far away from Sean Cameron. It's better for everyone that way."

-X-

Ellie was extremely pleased with herself. Not only had she pulled off the impossible – a full-scale, all-out social event in two days – but it appeared to be going pretty well. People were dancing, laughing, making conversation, just generally having a pleasant time.

Even Sean, she observed, who was seated on the couch with Craig and Ashley, with Jimmy's wheelchair stationed beside them. The four were involved in what looked to be an animated discussion about eighties cartoons.

Ellie shook her head, bemused. They could be talking about cat breeding, or how to piece together a weapon of mass destruction, for all she cares. As long as Sean's happy. As long as he's laughing out loud, widening his grin when he catches her eye from across the room.

"He's enjoying himself," Marco commented. Dylan must have ducked into the bathroom, because he is for once not two steps behind. "Congratulations, Ellie, you've shown us all that Sean Cameron really is a good guy."

"You already knew that," she reminded him. "You were friends."

"Well, sure, but I still had my doubts. Guy's got a temper. Tonight will be good for him, I think. He's reconnecting with a lot of old pals." His point is proven when Spinner wanders over to the couch and slaps Sean on the back, a friendly, male greeting that Sean responds to with a complicated handshake. Marco shook his head in wonder. "Sean, Spinner, and a secret handshake. Never thought I'd see the day."

Ellie laughed. "Well, I, for one, am glad. I'd rather Sean hang out with you losers than those wannabe punks any day."

"We're definitely a step up," Marco agreed, then straightened as Dylan reentered the party. "Excuse me while I go dance with my darling."

Ellie watched happily as Marco cornered Dylan and swept him into a campy waltz. _Good friends, good food, and Sean, _she thought to herself in total satisfaction. _What more could a girl need?_

-X-

Emma needed the room to stop spinning. Perhaps she shouldn't have had the last shot Jay had offered her. Or the ones before it. She hated alcohol, the taste of it, the way it made you stupid and dizzy. She'd only started drinking to try and forget everything she'd told Paige in the bathroom. Everything that was completely true and therefore, hurt that much more.

She stumbled for the third time in two minutes, catching herself on Jay's elbow and nearly dragging him to floor with her. "Damn," she mumbled, "I lost my foot."

"Come on, Nelson," he laughed, his words slurred. Whether that was due to his drunkenness or her own, was anyone's guess. "Let's get you horizontal before you fall flat on your face."

"'Kay," she said vaguely, and allowed herself to be led up the stairs. The music and chatter faded into the background as Jay propelled her to the bedroom. "'S dark up here."

"Trust me, you _don't_ want the light on." Jay threw himself face-down on the bed, his arms and legs spread akimbo. "Never thought I'd be cuddling up in Cameron's bed."

The words sparked some of the wires in Emma's brain into action. She was in Sean's bedroom. Correction – Sean and Ellie's bedroom. The private sanctum of Degrassi's newest lovebirds. She glanced quickly around, looking for – well, she didn't really know what. Handcuffs? Condoms? Had Sean and Ellie even had sex?

"Ugh. Move over," she demanded, swaying on her feet. Jay complied, rolling onto his back and folding his arms behind his head. She filled the space he left and buried her pounding head in the crook of his shoulder. "This drinking thing is … hard."

"You'll get used to it," Jay assured her. "It gets easier."

"Like with you," she murmured, and nuzzled his neck. "When I first went to the ravine with you – remember? I was such a prude. I couldn't stand you. I thought you were disgusting."

"You weren't entirely wrong," he said, and stroked her hair. "But I'm glad you got over it enough to … enjoy my company."

"Jay?"

"Yeah, Greenpeace?"

"I'm drunk. I am completely without inhibitions." She sat up slightly, just enough to make eye contact so that he understood the full meaning of her words. "Wanna enjoy my company?"

He grinned and shifted again, so that she was pinned beneath his body. "Thought you'd never ask."

-X-

"Has anyone seen Emma?"

It wasn't the words that caught Sean's attention and dragged him away from the game of foosball he was kicking Craig's ass at. It was the _tone_. Paige Michalchuk's voice was higher, thinner than usual – anxious, bordering on panicked. He relinquished his side of the table to Ellie, who'd been cheering him on enthusiastically, and scanned the crowd for blonds.

He found Paige first. She was paused in the doorway of the kitchen, repeating her question to the room at large. She looked irritated, but underneath that, worried. "Anyone seen Emma Nelson?"

Sean sighed. He'd known Emma was there somewhere, he'd heard her name mentioned earlier in the evening. And, yeah, he'd looked for her a little. But she'd obviously left the party, because his place wasn't big enough for her to actually be lost. Knowing this, he moved through the crowd to share his insight with Paige.

"Sean," she greeted him coolly. "Welcome back. You seen Em?"

"I'm pretty sure she's long gone by now, Paige. I've been … keeping an eye on the guests, and I haven't seen her all night." He shrugged. "She probably had to get home, baby sit or something."

Paige let out a short bark of laughter. "Oh, Sean. What you know about your Juliet could honestly fit into a thimble. She's been here the whole time, mostly outside with that lovely little gang of yours – the Montreal Crew, am I right?"

"Emma? With Jay and all them?" His head shook confidently. "You're wrong."

Paige flipped her hair. He wondered how she made the valley-girl gesture seem intimidating. "Let me give you a quick update, Sean. When you left, Emma's life was pretty crappy to begin with. It's only gotten worse. And since you were gone, and she and Manny had that big catfight, and none of her other friends seemed to give a damn, she started to hang out with Jay. A lot."

"What are you – what are you saying?"

Paige paused. She didn't feel right divulging the details of Emma's private life to her ex. But she certainly didn't want to see her friend go any further down the road she'd been on. "Look, all I'm saying is this: I was going to check upstairs next. If you get there before me, maybe because you're tired and want to take a quick break from the party, well, that's your prerogative."

She gave him a meaningful, 'do it or you'll be sorry' look, then retreated to Spinner's waiting arms. Sean ran his fingers through his hair and, leaving his girlfriend celebrating her victory over Craig, climbed the stairs.


	3. A Decade Under the Influence

Thanks again to all the reviewers, you guys are great! I'm writing as fast as I can to finish this, so I can move onto a Jimmy/Manny story (I know, weird) I have in mind and a little bit of an ensemble cast fic about the death of Mr. Simpson. Not to mention all the other t.v. shows I want to rewrite in my head. This is addictive!

**A Decade Under The Influence**

_You're skin and bones, I'm a nervous wreck._

The lights snapped on, flooding the room with fluorescent brightness and momentarily blinding Emma. As she dealt with rush of pain to her head, she head Jay swear viciously and felt his weight leave the mattress.

"This room's taken, buddy, so find another – Cameron. Hey, man, good to have you back."

Emma groaned inwardly and sank deeper into the covers. She hoped Jay had the common sense to get rid of Sean quickly, but if he didn't, she would gladly smother to death buried in blankets that smelled of Sean – the ocean and sawdust - rather than reveal herself.

"Jay." Sean sounded slightly taken aback to find his best friend entertaining in his bedroom, but nothing in his voice indicated that he even suspected the identity of Jay's latest conquest. Which meant he'd paid the rumor mill little to no attention on his first day back, since Emma was its favorite topic lately. "What's up, man?"

"Same old, same old," he answered casually.

She could just picture him; leaning against the doorjamb lazily, the very essence of footloose and fancy-free, shirtless and disheveled. And Sean would be fully clothed but no less attractive; his sandy curls raked back by nervous hands, his eyes – that piercing, captivating blue – peering curiously over his friend's shoulder.

"How 'bout you, guy?" Jay continued, and she heard him clap Sean's shoulder. "Just couldn't stay away, huh? So tell me, man. You came back for Ellie, right? Realized how much you couldn't live without her?"

Jay was too cruel. She could hear the grin in his voice, knew from experience it would be glinting wolfishly as his eyes glittered with mischief. It was a sickness, truly. Should anyone really _enjoy_ causing other people pain so damn _much_?

"Not exactly, no."

Sean sounded vaguely uncomfortable. _Probably because Jay was right on target_, Emma thought bitterly. If there was one thing she'd learned about Jay Hogart over the past few months, it was that he had an uncanny ability to read people. Like he could just look at you and see printed on your forehead the long list of personal problems and private tragedies attached to your name.

"Ohhh." It was a dangerous sound, Jay's soft appraisal as understanding dawned. "I get it. I do. You're here for Greenpeace. I'll be honest, I've always thought that 'star-crossed lovers' label was a bit much, but I stand corrected. I mean, you did save her life, so I guess that cinches it, but –"

"Jay, I didn't come back for Emma."

_Of course not_. A tear slid down her cheek, so hot it nearly burned. That would be too much to ask, wouldn't it, for someone to love Emma so unconditionally?

"Or Ellie," Sean finished. He'd come back for himself, because something had been missing in Wasaga, and the sooner everyone accepted that, the less likely he was to explode. "But right now, I am looking for Emma. Paige wants her downstairs. Have you or you – er, friend – seen her?"

There was a pause. Emma's heart thudded like a war drum in her chest. _Please, oh, please, let Jay be a decent human being for once in his miserable life. I'll do anything. Please._

God, apparently, had taken off on a long, Hawaiian vacation. Either that or he wasn't one for plea-bargains. Either way, what happened next was the complete antithesis of Emma's fervent prayers.

"Emma. Hmm. Well, let's think. If I were a cold, sanctimonious bitch looking for a way to escape the problems in my life, where would I hide?" Sean's eyebrows knitted together in confusion as Jay feigned hard thought, tapping his finger to his chin. "Ah. Perhaps we should try the most obvious choice, hm, just to get it out of the way?"

"What are you …"

Sean trailed off as Jay ambled over to the bed and stood over the huddled, hidden form. Paige's words echoed in his mind: _She started to hang out with Jay. A lot._ But … no. It couldn't have meant what he thought it might.

His worst fears were confirmed as Jay ripped the covers off with a triumphant, "Voila!"

Emma was curled into a ball, looking small, miserable, and trashed. She was dressed, thank God, but her clothes were rumpled, her blond hair tousled, leaving no question as to what had been going on.

"Mystery solved, Cameron," Jay smirked. "You're free to go now, I'll send her down to Paige when we're done."

Sean held up a warning hand. "Don't start," he said, voice low and threatening, then approached the girl lying limp on the bed. "Emma? Em, you okay?"

She batted lazily at the hand he waved in front of her face. "Sean. Fancy meetin' you here," she drawled, then burst into high-pitched giggles. _You're drunk, Emma, _her semi-rational half coached. _And furthermore, you don't care what he thinks of you. _"Did you come looking for little ol' me?"

"How much has she had?" It was directed at Jay, who shrugged in return. "Emma. Em, can you tell me what you've been drinking?"

"Alcohol." She smiled dreamily at him, her eyes dazed enough to make her look lovestruck, and he remembered how good that look felt when she was sober. How it had always convinced him he was important. "It was goooood."

"Our little Naturefreak is quite the lush, once you get her started," Jay said proudly.

"Yeah, good to know," Sean said shortly. "Emma, I'm gonna take you home, okay?"

She pouted, and it was a beautiful thing. "No. Jay will take me home later."

"_Much_ later," Jay promised, and Sean fought the urge to punch him. He had to focus on Emma right now. She was in no condition to be left alone with scum like Jay. Decision made, he gathered Emma in his arms, cradling her knees and neck, and stood up. "Hey, dude, what're you doing?"

Sean shot him a hard look. "I'm taking her home." His tone left no room for argument. "Find another life to ruin."

"_I_ wasn't ruining anything," Jay defended. "Emma's a big girl. She makes her own decisions."

"Yeah!" Emma agreed, the word muffled from her mouth's position on Sean's neck. He hissed as her warm breath hit the sensitive skin. "I don't need your help, Sean. I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, you're doing a great job of that, Em. A-friggin'-plus."

Noting his sarcasm, and the temper that boiled just below the surface, she wisely shut her mouth. She'd let him drive her home, she decided. If she was feeling really generous, she'd even let him think he'd helped. After all, she owed him something. It was the least she could do.

-X-

She was painfully thin. How he hadn't noticed it when he'd been admiring her form was beyond him. Lifting her from the bed had been about as tasking as plucking a flower from its roots. And carrying her out the back door to the Jeep she pointed lazily to, all he'd been able to see was each individual rib protruding from her midsection.

He chose the back door to save face, for both of them. He knew Emma would die if her classmates saw the shape she was in. And the _last _thing he needed in life was the whole school trading 'will they, won't they?' gossip about them.

They wouldn't. He was with Ellie now, and she had too many problems for him to add himself to the list. And Emma … well, Emma didn't seem to pleased with him at the moment, though he couldn't fathom what right she had to be pissed. She'd been giving him the silent treatment for most of the drive but, as they waited at a red light on Merrimack, she spoke.

"We weren't doing anything, you know." Sean didn't answer. "Me and Jay."

"Yet," he muttered darkly.

"Aw, you don't approve?"

Sean blanched at the acidic tone. "I just think you would've been making a mistake, that's all. Jay's not a long-term kind of guy. He was using you, Emma."

"No more than I'm using him," she said, softer but no less bitter, and let herself out of the car.

"Emma! God _damn _it!" Exasperated, he punched the steering wheel before pulling over and following her lead. She was weaving down the sidewalk, teetering on her heels and getting nowhere fast. He jogged lightly to pass her and block her path. "Emma, just calm down a minute."

"I've been seeing Jay since you moved, Sean." She jangled her collection of bracelets for emphasis, deadly calm. "I know what kind of guy he is. I just. Don't. Care."

Sean felt like he'd punched in the gut. "Wh – Emma. Why?"

"Because it's _easy,_" she snarled, too angry to notice that she was crying. "Because I know what he wants and it's something I can give him. Because he knows I'm dirty and broken and he likes me all the better for it."

"If you're broken, it's because he made you that way," Sean argued, tapping down rage at his friend. Correction – former friend. No way would he let Jay get away with ruining Emma like this, with making her feel like she was less than dirt.

"I let him," she said stubbornly. "It was my choice. To get in his car, to go in the van. Jay doesn't expect me to be _perfect_." She spat the word out like it was poison on her tongue. "He doesn't care that my dad's dying and my mom's losing it and I almost got shot. He doesn't give a _fuck_. And when I'm with him, neither do I."

"Emma, no one expects you to be perfect. You've had a bad year, and no one –"

"Shut up!" Furious, she beat at his chest with bony fists. "You don't know anything about it, Sean! Not anymore! You _left_. You went away and I was stuck here, with people staring at me everywhere I went like I had two heads. Worse, like I was just going to shatter into a billion pieces right at their feet. And now you're back and, what, you think you can save me? You think I should be like I was, like nothing's changed? What do you _want_ from me, huh?"

She collapsed then, and he moved just quick enough to catch her against him before she toppled to the ground. "Oh, God," she moaned into his neck. "I'm so tired."

Stunned, Sean rubbed her back in slow, comforting circles. If anyone had told him that his first night back in town would end with him soothing a drunken Emma, he would've laughed in their face. Or advised them to join a program. Emma Nelson did not drink. She didn't lose control, ever. So he really had no idea how to handle the sobbing mess of a girl currently using his sleeve as a box of Kleenex.

"Can you just … take me home?" She pulled away from him, but avoided his eyes. "Please?"

He held her steady by gripping her elbow and waited until she met his gaze, the big brown eyes that had always been his undoing wide and wet. "Em. For what it's worth … I missed you. Every day."

She nodded slowly. "Well. Doesn't do me much good, but thanks for the thought."

And for the second time that night, she gave him her back and walked away.

-X-

"Home sweet home," Emma muttered as they pulled into her drive. She hadn't so much as glanced at him for the remainder of their trip. Now, as she fumbled with the door handle, she seemed to realize something. "Oh. How are you … getting back?"

Sean was going insane. One minute, she was all soft and pliable in his arms, the next a cold, hard bitch, and then nothing but a concerned acquaintance. He wondered if it exhausted her as much as it did him. "I don't know," he bit out. "Haven't really thought about that part yet."

"You could … take my car, if you want. I can pick it up tomorrow after school. Jay will –" She stopped abruptly at the thunder that flashed in his eyes at Jay's name. "I can get a ride there."

"No." No way was he going to be the reason she spent another second with Jay. The only thing sustaining Sean right now was that come Monday, he'd get to track his good buddy down and grind him into dust. "I'll just call Craig in a while. The party should be breaking up soon."

"Fine." She didn't care one way or the other. Right now, all she wanted was her pajamas, her bed, and an eternity of uninterrupted sleep. Her last shred of common decency prompted her next words. "Do you want to … come in, while you're waiting?"

_Better than parking your ass on the curb, man. _And that was how Sean found himself in Emma Nelson's bedroom for the first time in years, sitting awkwardly on the edge of her bed as she changed clothes in her closet.

She emerged, looking ridiculously cute in drawstring pants peppered with penguins and an oversized sweatshirt that he recognized as his own, from Grade Seven. "That's mine," he realized.

"What?" Emma glanced down. "Oh, yeah. I always meant to return it, but … we never spoke civilly long enough for me to remember."

He waved his hand. "Keep it, looks better on you."

She flushed, grateful she'd hit the lights already. With a sigh of contentment, she collapsed on her bed, immediately burrowing in the mass of blankets and pillows that adorned it. Sean shifted over to allow her more room.

"Here." Drowsy already, she thrust a pillow his way. "Take a nap, 'til Craig gets here. Not much else for you to do in the dark." There was silence for a moment, as he lay back and got comfortable, careful to maintain a respectable distance. "And Sean?"

"Yeah?"

"For what it's worth … I missed you, too."


	4. This Photograph Is Proof I Know You Know

**This Photograph Is Proof (I Know You Know)**

_Remember more than you'd like to forget._

There was no way in hell Sean was getting any sleep.

Not with Emma stretched out beside him, her chest rising and falling slowly with every breath. Not with her head resting ever so slightly on his shoulder, the soft strands of her hair brushing his cheek like a caress. And certainly not with her silken whisper echoing in his ears.

_For what it's worth, I missed you, too._

She'd probably only said it to torture him. And it was working, he had to admit. He couldn't help but think about the last time he'd seen her; their day in Wasaga when they'd finally buried the hatchet.

At least, he thought they had. Her outburst tonight said different. He still didn't fully understand everything that had happened. He'd always known Emma had more problems than she let on – hell, most of the time, he _was_ one of them. But over the course of the summer, they'd gotten the best of her, something he'd never thought possible.

He found himself wishing she'd called him, or written, or something. If only he'd known, he would've … _What?_ Some small, reasonable part of him asked. _What could you have done for her? You were a wreck, too, don't forget._

"I could've helped her," he argued stubbornly, then stopped. He was talking to himself. He was lying in Emma Nelson's bed, her arm wrapped around his waist (and when had _that_ happened?) and arguing with the voices in his head. "Oh, man …"

With a small groan, he disentangled himself and got off the bed, wandering over to her desk. It made him smile to see it, so neat and organized, obviously a product of the old Emma's care. The one he knew and loved, not the sad-eyed stranger who'd fought with him earlier. The bulletin board hanging on the wall made his smile grow. Glossy pictures and magazine cutouts covered the cork surface: a family portrait from the day Jack was born, a younger version of Manny sticking her tongue out at the camera, JT giving Toby bunny ears. A newspaper clipping about the importance of recycling, a letter in painstaking calligraphy from her grandmother. And then he spotted himself.

It was a picture of the two of them from last year, before all the fighting and misunderstandings began. He remembered it being taken. They'd been in the courtyard, under the shade of a tree, and she'd been trying to make him eat some new vegetarian treat, tofu mixed with bran or something equally unappetizing. He'd flatly refused, but she'd persisted, and they'd begun wrestling right there on Degrassi's lawn. Out of nowhere, a yearbook staffer popped up and let out the banshee cry of "Say _cheese_!"

They'd looked up in surprise just in time for the flash, his arm still looped loosely around her neck and her hands on his in an attempt to get free. _We look happy._ Her cheeks were flushed from breathless laughter, her eyes sparkling with life. And he was grinning like a fool, like the kind of guy who'd eat the damn tofu-bran-wheat concoction just to make her happy.

A far cry from where they were now. He sighed, wondering if there was any hope for them being friends again. He wanted to help her, if he could. It surprised him how _much_ he wanted to help her.

A noise from upstairs startled him, keys being dropped into a bowl as Spike returned from another late night of work. Realizing how long he'd been gone from his own party, Sean pulled out his cell phone and dialed Craig's number.

"Dude, where'd you disappear to? Everyone's taking off and they all want to have one last word with the man of honor," Craig said by way of greeting.

"I had something to take care of," he answered cryptically. "Listen, man, I've got a favor to ask you."

"As long as it doesn't involve paying bail or using a fake I.D., I'm your man."

Sean smiled. "It's nothing like that. I just need a ride back to my place. When you're done – hold on a sec, man."

Alone in her bed, Emma was whimpering gently. As Sean watched, she began to toss and turn, her mumbled words growing louder. "No … Rick … please."

"On second thought," Sean said into the phone, his eyes never leaving her thrashing form. "Forget it. Listen, can you just tell Ellie I'll be back as soon as I can?"

"You sure, dude? She looks pretty pissed."

"Yeah. I'm sure. Tell her I'm sorry, but I … have to do this. Thanks, man." Without waiting for a reply, he pushed 'End' and approached the bed. "Emma? Wake up, Em. Wake up."

-X-

_"Hi, Emma." Rick materializes in front of her, making her flinch. Isn't he gone yet? she wonders. Hasn't he had enough? "Sorry I kissed you."_

_He is still covered in yellow paint and feathers, and she thinks that's what makes him so scary: That he is disguised, transformed, even, into something that is both more and less human. It's like being chased by a clown at a birthday party, she thinks, and you are terrified but laughing all the same because this thing coming after you is so garishly humorous._

_"I'm glad I found you," he continues, his tone pleasant. She can't imagine him using the gun he holds in one shaking hand. But Jimmy, lying halfway down the hall in a pool of his own blood, would probably beg to differ. "You made my list."_

_A hit list? It's too surreal, the mental image of Rick feverishly scribbling down the names of anyone who's ever hurt him. Hit lists are on the ten o'clock news, they are popular in other high schools far, far away from Degrassi and Emma. The lists in her life contain grocery items, and things to do, and universities she should look into._

_"You flirted with me. I thought you liked me, but that was something else."_

_Thank God for Sean, she tells herself, feeling his hand on hers, tugging her gently back. He is talking to Rick, calmly, rationally, and she thinks for a minute that everything will be just fine because Sean won't let anyone hurt her. No matter what terms they are on or how much he hates her now, he won't let her die at Rick's hands._

_"Sean!" Ellie screams his name from down the hall, where most of the student body is trampling one another to escape. "Sean, come on, we have to hurry! He has a _gun_, Sean! I need you with me!"_

_Emma's fingers spasm in Sean's, clutching tighter. He won't leave her. She knows it. "I don't want to hurt you, Sean," Rick says. "You never did anything to me. You're free to go, if you choose."_

_ "He won't," Emma forces out, and bites her lip as Rick's eyes fly back to her face. He takes a step towards her, making her stumble back, and in the instant she goes off balance, Sean disappears. "Where's Sean? What did you do to him?"_

_"I let him go. See?" Rick uses the gun to point out the window. Sean is just beyond the glass, standing on the grass with his arms around Ellie, looking mournfully at Emma over her shoulder. _Sorry_, he mouths, then kisses Ellie's cheek as she whispers something to him. "He never hurt me like you did."_

_"I never meant to," she says desperately. Toby is gone, too. The halls are empty, save for her, Rick, and Jimmy's lifeless form. "I didn't want to hurt you, Rick, I just didn't … like you, like that. I didn't mean to lead you on."_

_"You liked the attention, I think. You like being wanted, don't you, little Miss Save-the-World? It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That's why you broke up with Sean, right? He found new friends, he didn't need you anymore."_

_"No! No!" She is on her knees, crying, scrambling frantically away from him but he is sure-footed and steady, closing the distance between them. "Rick … please."_

_"Please, what, Emma?" He laughs, shrill and high-pitched, like nails being dragged against a chalkboard or a scream. "Please don't hurt you? Why shouldn't I? You hurt me."_

_"I didn't mean to. Please, please, I take it back, I take it all back."_

_"Too late for that." Rick grins smugly. "You're dead."_

_Horrified, she glances down and sees the blood seeping from her stomach, meshing with the faded yellow stains that had refused to come out. She wonders when the gun went off. She wonders if it hurt. "No … no …"_

_And then Sean is there again, his hands on her wound, his eyes on hers. "Emma? Wake up, Em. Wake up," he says, and she wants to cry._

_"I c-can't," she tells him, sobbing, shaking, screaming. "I can't. I'm dead. You went away and I died! Sean, save me, please. Please …"_

-X-

"Sean, save me," Emma muttered wildly. There were tears on her cheeks, Sean noted, and her breath was coming in short, jagged gasps. "Please. Please …"

"_Emma!_"

With a small yelp, she jerked awake, her eyes wide and terrified. He gathered her shuddering form in his arms, whispering nonsense syllables of comfort in her ear. Her nails dug into his back as she clutched at him, begging him through her tears not to leave.

"Emma, Emma, I'm not going anywhere," he said when he finally discerned her words. "It was just a bad dream, that's all. I'm right here."

"Oh, it was awful," she cried into his shoulder. "Rick was there and he shot me and you and Toby and everyone were watching. And Ellie made you go with her and – and – and he killed me because I was so horrible to him."

"You weren't horrible to Rick, Emma," Sean said practically. "No worse than anyone else, anyways."

She wasn't listening. "He just wanted me to like him. I couldn't even … I couldn't even stomach his touch. His hand was so cold and clammy. And when he kissed me, I couldn't think of anything but getting away."

"He kissed you? That _is _a bad dream."

She pulled away and looked at him strangely, brushing the last of her tears away. "What do you mean? That part really happened."

"What are you talking about?"

"Rick kissed me. The day of the shooting. He had a crush on me, I guess, though I don't know why. I was mean to him most of the time. I started that campaign, I tripped him." For a second, she was lost in thought, mentally reviewing how ugly she'd been to the boy. _That's not really me_. She didn't think so, at least. She was usually a pretty good person, wasn't she?

"Emma? Rick? Kissing you? Elaborate," Sean prompted, anxious to find out what had transpired between the two of them. Now that she'd said it, he vaguely remembered Rick apologizing for kissing her. He hadn't paid much attention to the words, he'd been a little preoccupied by the gun aimed at Emma, but the memory resurfaced now.

"During the show, he held my hand." She recalled the sensation and shivered. "And after … after, I tracked him down to tell him how immature the trick was. I felt bad for him. He was so proud to win that stupid game. And he kissed me. I pushed him away, told him to get a clue, and ran away."

"And he went home and got a gun," Sean finished. "So you've been blaming yourself for the shooting this whole time?"

"I made him angry, Sean. I didn't just break his heart, but I pretty much ground his pride onto the dirt while I was at it. I shouldn't have been so mean, but I just didn't want him to touch me again."

She looked heartbroken, curled up in his embrace with her eyes bloodshot and wet, her skin so pale it was almost translucent, hands loosely gripping the sleeves of her sweatshirt. She was mad at herself for whatever role she thought she'd played in the tragedy and still frightened by her nightmare, he knew.

"Emma, it wasn't your fault. Rejection can be dealt with, even coming from you." He should know, he'd dealt with it time after time without putting bullets in innocent peoples' backs. And he was supposed to be the one with anger management issues. "Rick did what he did because he was sick of being treated like scum by everyone. He just wanted some respect." Sean felt sick to his stomach. "And I killed him."

"No." It was Emma's turn to hold him, wrapping her skinny arms around his neck like an anchor. "No, you can't think of it like that, Sean. You _saved_ lives that day. Mine, for one. And Toby's. And God knows who else Rick would have gone after."

"That's what the therapist said." He gave her a small smile. "In Wasaga. My mom thought I might need some closure, so she handed over half her life savings for me to talk to this woman – Ann – twice a week. It helped. I didn't think it would, but – it did."

"I skipped the appointment my Mom made me," Emma confided. "She told me it was a one-time thing, unless I needed otherwise, so I just … didn't go. I couldn't stand sitting in someone's stuffy office and describing the scene while they made notes and nodded their head in all the right places."

"Did you talk to anyone at all about it?"

She shook her head. "Past is past, was my motto for the summer. Look how far it got me."

"You know …" He licked his lips, absurdly nervous. It was just one friend comforting another, that was all. "You can talk to me, now that I'm back. Anytime. You know the number."

"I might take you up on that … later," she said, and yawned hugely. "I'm so tired. And my head hurts. Remind me never to drink again, 'kay?"

"'Kay," he laughed, and began to stand. "I'll let you get some sleep."

"Sean?" He paused. "In my dream, you left. We were in front of Rick's gun, and then you went outside to be with Ellie, and he shot me."

"That's not what happened," Sean reminded her. "That would never really happen."

Emma was quiet for a long moment. "I know. But could you … stay? Just until I fall asleep," she was quick to add. "I don't want to be a nuisance, I just –"

He shushed her with a finger to her mouth, smiling. "Em. I'll stay as long as you need me."

-X-

"You guys had quite the party last night, it looks like."

"Oh, it was nothing like the others, Mr. Hollis," Ellie rushed to explain to the landlord. "Sean's actually moving back in, so we just had a little celebration. If anyone complained, I'm really sorry, but I can promise it was very contained."

"Calm down, Ellie, no one said anything to me about being disturbed. I just noticed the balloons."

"Oh." Blushing, Ellie studied the floor. She was a little on edge this morning. Sean had disappeared last night and hadn't come home yet. She knew, thanks to Craig, that he was safe, she just didn't know where he was or why he was there.

"Ellie?" Mr. Hollis cleared his throat. "The rent?"

"Oh! Oh, of course, sorry. I'll just be a sec." She ran into the bedroom, rifling through the drawer that Sean kept his wallet in when he wasn't going anywhere. Luckily, he hadn't brought it along on his late-night expedition, so if the check was in there like it should be, all would be well.

It was, thankfully, folded and tucked into the one of the wallet's many storage spaces, beneath a few pictures of Sean's family and herself. As Ellie struggled to remove the check from its tight squeeze, the pictures fell onto the floor in disarray.

"Damn it," she swore, and ran to hand over the check to Mr. Hollis. He tipped his hat to her and took a balloon for his young son on the way out the door. Ellie returned to the bedroom, knelt to clean up the mess, and found herself staring at Emma Nelson.

"What the hell?" Blond and beautiful, Emma's image smiled up at her prettily from the standard school picture. It looked recent, but since school had only just started, Ellie assumed it was last years. On the back, in bubbly blue ink, was inscribed, _To: Sean. Love, Emma._

Ellie replaced it in its hiding spot and, frowning, continued getting ready for the day. As she showered and dressed, she semi-convinced herself that it was fine, because it was an old picture and at the time, Sean and Ellie hadn't spoken two words to each other. And the message was no cause for concern, she wrote 'Love' in letters to her father, her cousins, her Grade One pen pal, for God's sake! So, really, it was no big deal.

_But why would he keep it?_


	5. The Union

I don't think I can say thank you enough for all the encouragement, folks. All the kind words, and all the snow days I've had recently, are making this story move at a much faster pace than I thought it would. So here's the next installment, hope to have it finished and uploaded by the end of the week.

**The Union**

_From saint to sinner – well, which is it?_

"Emma! Hey, Emma!"

Emma slowed to a stop, wondering if she was hearing things. And seeing them, for that matter. Before she could voice her confusion, Paige did it for her.

"Hon, did I fall and hit my head, or is Ellie Nash flagging you down?"

"You see it, too?"

Paige lowered her voice and kept her eye on the approaching redhead. "You sure you didn't leave out any details about Friday night?"

"On my honor," Emma pledged. "I wonder if Sean _told_ her where he was?"

She'd woken up on Saturday morning feeling better than she had in weeks. Unfortunately, she'd also been alone. Sean was gone, a short note left in his place.

_Em, _he'd scrawled, _I didn't want to wake you once you finally got to sleep, but I have to get back. I meant what I said last night – if you need to talk, just call. Sean. P.S. Take these for your head before it rolls off._

'These', it turned out, were Tylenol he'd purchased at the 24 hour convenience store, doubling his walk home to obtain them and leave them on her nightstand. The small gesture had put a smile on her face that had lasted roughly forty eight hours and counting.

She'd fairly floated through the weekend, hovering somewhere between cloud nine and whatever came after that. She'd taken Jack for a stroll through the park so they could smell the flowers and talked to her mom for an hour about cute movie stars and new hair styles. They avoided the serious issues, like Snake's progress and Emma's slow decline, and it felt so much like the old days that Emma could've cried with relief.

Sunday, she and Paige had a girls' day that included some quality time at the mall, manicures and pedicures, facials, eyebrow plucking and leg waxing, a cheesy movie marathon, and a tub of Chunky Monkey ice cream. After such a weekend, Emma felt refreshed and ready to take on the world come Monday morning.

Then Ellie called her name and Emma felt her good mood falter. Why in the world would Ellie Nash be so intent on talking to her unless Sean had confessed his whereabouts to her? The two blonds waited for Ellie to catch up, Paige tapping one foot impatiently.

"Hi, Ellie," Emma said when she reached them, forcing herself to remain calm. "What's up?"

"Actually, uh –" Her eyes darted to Paige. "Could I –"

"Save your breath, hon, I know my cue," Paige interrupted, and turned to Emma. "You, Missy, are meeting me at The Dot after school, correct?"

"I'll be there," Emma nodded. "Later, Paige."

"Ciao, Em." Her eyes flicked over Ellie, giving her an appraising once-over. She smirked. "Nash."

"Whew," Ellie said, watching the queen bee strut down the hall. "Do I look smaller? I feel smaller."

"Paige tends to have that affect on people," Emma said, not unkindly. It wasn't long ago that Paige had barely glanced her way and only done that to make a snide comment about Rainbow Brite's retarded twin trying to save the whales. "So what can I do for you, Ellie?"

"Well, I was wondering … um. Okay. I wanted to – _argh!_ This shouldn't be so hard," Ellie said, almost to herself. "I mean, you're only human."

"And you could take me in a fight," Emma said helpfully, feeling generous enough to put Ellie out of her misery. "Not that that matters, since I'm a pacifist."

Ellie snorted. "Good to know. Listen, I know how pathetic this is gonna sound, trust me. I've been telling myself all weekend to leave well enough alone. But I just feel like … I don't know, now that Sean's back I thought I should –"

"Find out where he and I stand _without_ asking him and looking paranoid," Emma supplied, flashing what could have been a Colgate commercial.

_Does she have to be so _niceEllie was almost disgusted. This was her boyfriend's ex; his first love, his first heartbreak. She was supposed to be ultra-bitchy, a self-absorbed snob easy for Ellie to hate. And easy for Sean to get over.

"Well, yeah, basically." She forced herself to return the smile. "You think I'm crazy, right?"

"Isn't everyone?" Emma shrugged, the picture of careless grace, and Ellie wished the earth would just open up and swallow her whole. "And have no fear. As far as Sean and I go, it's pretty much status quo. Nothing's really changed since we were all in Wasaga."

_Liar, liar, liar_. She felt incredibly guilty. Ellie was a nice person, a _good_ person. She didn't deserve to be lied to by Emma, of all people.

"Thanks for being cool about this. I've been nothing but an insane, insecure girlfriend since he got back. I'm afraid the next thing I say to him will be in baby talk."

"That'd be attractive," Emma murmured absently. An insane, insecure girlfriend was still a girlfriend. Sean had a girlfriend. She'd forgotten, for a minute, but she wouldn't again. "Listen, Ellie, I have to get going. I'll see you around, okay?"

"'Kay. Bye." Ellie headed to cafeteria to meet Marco and groan about how absolutely stupid she felt for approaching Emma in the first place. He'd understand.

-X-

Sean waited until Ellie was out of sight, then grabbed Emma as she hurried past him blindly. She shrieked and he clapped a hand over her mouth. "Em! It's just me."

He released her, thinking it safe, and immediately regretted it when she landed a punch on his bicep. "What the _hell _are you doing?" she demanded, her brown eyes flashing fire. "You scared me to death!"

"Sorry, sorry," he said sheepishly. "I saw you and Ellie talking and I just …"

"Thought I was spilling the beans about our sordid little tryst?"

From the arched eyebrow and cooler-than-cool attitude, he would've thought she was Paige. "Of course not," he said, and it was the truth. He had thought Ellie might be giving Emma a hard time. He had refused her any details about his Friday night stunt, and he feared she might put two and two together and start examining the Emma angle. "There's nothing to spill. Nothing happened."

"That's right," she agreed, her tone clipped. "Nothing. And nothing will."

"Of course not," he repeated. "Emma … are you okay?"

She paused, seeming to deliberate with herself. Then she straightened and smiled, a full, beaming smile that would've struck him dead had her eyes been in it. "I'm fine," she answered, injecting an extra shot of cheer into the words. "Everything's great."

Before he could call her bluff, she removed her arm from his grip and walked away.

-X-

He seemed to be spending an awful lot of time staring at Emma Nelson's back, Sean reflected. But he wasn't about to go after her, the school was too small to let that slip under the radar.

He wondered what was bothering her. He'd thought they'd turned a page last Friday, that maybe they could become the friends they'd once been. But it seemed like she still didn't feel comfortable confiding in him.

He had to go meet Ellie for lunch. He needed to _not_ be thinking about Emma when he did. And that was easier said than done, because his arm was stinging like a bitch from her attack and he was pretty sure it would bruise.

_She always did know how to make an impression. _

-X-

The ravine was still a safe haven for her, even after all that had happened. As Emma trudged through the greenery, she scolded herself for her own stupidity.

What had she even been thinking? There was obviously no chance of Sean and her getting back together. Even if they did, by some miracle of God, they'd last a month, tops. One night of bonding over a shared tragedy didn't erase the fact that Sean had a girlfriend. A very serious, live-in girlfriend.

He was being nice on Friday. That was all. Anyone with half a brain would rescue her from Jay's clutches if they found her drunk and alone with him. Craig would've done the same thing. So would Spinner, for that matter.

She didn't even want to be with Sean, anyway. Or she did, but only for short, delusional periods of time. In sane, sober moments, she knew it was a bad idea. She knew, from past experience, that it would end quickly and messily. One or the other or both of them would screw everything up and she would spend days, weeks, months trying to pick up the pieces.

She didn't have the time for that anymore. Or the patience. One more bad breakup, one more hard blow in life, might actually kill her.

"Thinkin' hard thoughts, Em?"

Jay's voice, overly cheerful and just short of insulting, interrupted her stream of thought. She groaned and buried her face in her hands. If she didn't respond … if she just stayed really still and didn't breathe … he'd go away.

He dropped down to the grass beside her, leaning back on his elbows. "So, the ravine, huh?" His eyebrows moved up and down suggestively. "It's a little early in the day, but I'm game if you are."

"Go away," she pleaded, not looking up. "I'm not in the mood for you today."

"Emma." He feigns injury, clutching his chest like a man suffering a heart attack. "You wound me."

"Not nearly enough."

"Oh-ho, we _are _in a funk!" he exclaims, rubbing his hands together excitedly. "Well, now, why don't you tell me all about it? It'll make you feel better."

She clenched her teeth. "Jay, I'm warning you, if you don't back off, I'll scream bloody murder."

He laughed. "Idle threat, Nelson. You don't think the whole school knows about us already? You really want 'em to catch us in action?"

"We're not _doing_ anything."

"By the end of the day, the story would be that you were ripping my clothes off and having your wicked way with me." He grinned at the death glare she shot him. "Like you don't wanna."

"Oddly enough, Jay, I don't. I really don't."

"Oh, no." Alarmed, he sat up, staring at her intently. "Are you going to revert to your former, less hot, way more annoying self now that Cameron's back?"

At the mention of Sean, she flinched. Jay saw, of course. He saw everything. "I should've known," he shook his head. "It's always about him. So, what, that's it? He's back, and you're done with all this? You're just gonna go back to protesting and picketing every last thing and pretend you never veered off the beaten track?"

"That's the plan," she said coldly.

"Ha! And what's in it for you, pray tell? Sean's with Ellie now."

"You were with Alex," Emma pointed out.

"Yeah, and she was smart enough to dump me. _You_ were dumb enough to stick around. Luck of the draw on your part, babe."

"I'm sure," she scoffed, and stood to leave.

"Aw, no, wait a minute, Greenpeace." He got to his feet as well, and faced her. "You can't go yet. I'm dying to hear the rest of this master plan of yours. So you go back to being perfect, which if memory serves, I believe you said made you want to lay down and die."

Feeling spiteful, she wrinkled her nose. "I said that? It's so … ineloquent. Did you get me trashed first?"

"Hey, now. I never made you do anything you didn't want to do."

"Yeah, I know," she said grudgingly. She couldn't blame him for the mistakes she'd made.

Satisfied, he nodded. "As long as we're clear on that. So, what happens after?"

"After what?"

"Sean's with Ellie, you get all pretty and pristine again, and? Then what?" Jay searched her face for a reaction. "Sean loves you? You live happily ever after? What?"

"I'm not … I'm not doing anything to get Sean back. I don't _want_ Sean back. I just don't want to do – _this_ – anymore!" She motioned to herself, then to him. "It's easy with you, Jay, but that's all. We're not going anywhere. We're not in love. We can barely stand each other."

"That's what makes it interesting. One minute, we're fighting – like so," he articulated, making the same gesture she had. "And the next, we're doing this."

He kissed her.

-X-

Ellie adored Marco. He was the world's greatest friend. She subjected him to rant-and-rave, bitch-and-moan sessions on an almost daily basis and he never made her feel like she was being petty or selfish. He listened, made all the right comments in all the right places, and always had a few words of wisdom to impart. Plus, he had killer fashion sense.

She told him all this after she'd related to him her embarrassing encounter with Emma and he'd advised her, in no uncertain times, to quit worrying and forget it. _Sean's with you, El,_ he'd said seriously. _All the way._

She thanked him for the reality check, then gushed to make up for wasting his time. When she got to the part about the fashion sense, he laughed and winked. "What can I say, it's a gift. You wouldn't have dated me for a year knowing I was gay unless I looked fabulous."

"I probably would have," she admitted. "I was young and stupid."

"Aren't you glad you came to your senses?"

Sean entered the cafeteria and Ellie waved him over. "Extremely," she told Marco before leaning to kiss her boyfriend hello.

"What's up?" Sean sat sideways at the table and jittered one leg nervously. "I thought I saw you talking to Emma a few minutes ago, but …"

He trailed off, letting the question dangle. Ellie and Marco exchanged glances and at his _Well, go on _look, she sighed and explained. "Yeah, I was asking her … well, actually, I was asking her about you."

"Me? Why?"

"I was just … well, staking my claim, really." Ellie sighed, feeling ridiculously foolish. "I wanted to know if she had any … designs on you now that you're here to stay."

"That's crazy," Sean laughed. "Emma, having designs? She's not the crafty type."

"I know, it was stupid, I just … needed to know. I'm crazy. And insecure."

"You're cute," he pronounced, kissing the top of her head. "And neurotic. But in a cute way."

"Emma's with Jay, now, anyway, isn't she?" Marco broke in, trying to ease his friend's discomfort. "I just saw him following down to the ravine. A little afternoon delight, I'm assuming."

Ellie screwed up her face. "May I just say – ew."

"Damn it, I almost forgot." They both looked up in mild shock to see Sean on his feet and gathering his tray. "I have to go see Mr. Ehl about a project we have coming up. Sorry, guys. El, I'll see you later, right?"

"Well, since we live together …" She took another forehead kiss, watching as he dumped his trash and hightailed it out of the cafeteria. "Not that it feels like it," she muttered.

"At least you know Emma's out of the question," Marco philosophized. "Dealing with Jay probably takes up _way_ too much energy for her to even look twice at Sean."

-X-

This. Could not. Be happening.

As Sean gaped in utter shock at the scene laid out before him, Emma began to struggle with Jay. Using both hands and all her might, she managed to push him off. "Jay! Were you even _listening_ to a word I said?"

"Sure," he said nonchalantly, as if he hadn't just been completely rejected. "You don't want Sean, and you think whatever you and I have isn't built to last. Well, so _what_, Nelson? I'm not lookin' for a marriage, here. I like my thrills cheap and you, my dear, happen to be surprisingly talented."

"You're a creep," she growled. "Get your hands off me."

"Jay." Nearly blind with fury, Sean made his presence known. "You might want to listen to her."

"Cameron, could you give us a minute here? We're having what's typically known as a lover's quarrel." Enjoying himself, Jay batted his eyelashes at Emma. "I'll let you know when I need your help."

Sean growled. "Jay, if you don't let go of her and take a step back, I'm not gonna be responsible for what I do."

"Ooh, tough guy, huh? Protecting the honor of the womenfolk?" Jay did release Emma, but only for the purpose of shoving Sean back a few feet. "I'm not impressed."

Emma read the violence in Sean's eyes and immediately began to do damage control. If someone else got hurt because of her, if _Sean_ got hurt because of her, she wouldn't know what to do. "Guys, really, we don't have to do the whole 'mine's bigger than yours' routine. Really. Sean, it's cool, he didn't hurt me or anything."

"Emma, get out of the way."

At Sean's words, she relented. He'd laid her flat on her ass once, albeit accidentally, and she really had no desire to repeat the experience. If they were going to be jackasses and fight about it, then so be it.

"She's like a little robot," Jay admired. "Can you pass along a few training tips, Seany-boy, I seem to be having a little trouble with the obedience aspect of our favorite nature-freak."

"She's not _your_ anything."

Jay smirked and shoved him again. "Ditto."

Sean snapped. Later, when Emma described it to Paige over the phone, she'd say that was the only word she could think of. He went off, firing punch after punch, and Jay fought back with just as much force. Emma screamed, breaking Sean's concentration and allowing Jay's fist to connect solidly with his eye.

"_Shit!"_ Sean rerouted his attention, and poured every ounce of anger he had into his next few swings. There was a reason he'd made fighting a hobby growing up. It was therapeutic. But now that he was older and wiser, he knew when to stop. He twisted Jay into a headlock. "Are we about done here?"

"Just say the word," Jay retorted, spitting out what could possibly be a tooth. He hoped not. He really liked his smile the way it was. "You want Greenpeace so bad, you can have her."

Sean sneered. "Thanks, buddy. A word of advice: If I were you? I'd watch what you say and do involving Emma. You may have had some sort of arrangement while I was gone, but I'm back now. Got it?"

"Yeah, sure, man. Whatever." Jay backed slowly out of the ravine, bruised and bleeding. "I just hope word doesn't get back to Ellie about you marking your territory like this. If you know what I mean."

"I dare you," Sean threatened.

Once Jay was gone, Emma rushed to Sean's side. "What were you _doing_, fighting Jay like that?" Her small hands ran over his body, checking for injuries. "That was really stupid, Sean, one of you could've gotten hurt. Or expelled for fighting on school grounds!"

He almost grinned. She sounded like herself again. If his eye hadn't felt like it was about to pop out of his socket, he would've said the fight was worth it. As it was … "Emma, can you save the lecture for a later date? I'm more than a little pissed right now, and I really just need a ride home."

She stopped. Then, taking his hand, she replied softly, "Well, I do owe you one."

Hand in hand, they left the ravine.


	6. New American Classic

Whew, this one actually gave me some trouble. I wasn't sure how far I wanted Sean and Emma to go, or in what direction. Be sure to give me any comments/questions/suggestions you might have. Enjoy!

**New American Classic**

_Just ask the question, come untie the knot._

Emma had no idea what to do with herself. What did you say to the guy who'd just kicked his best friend's ass on your behalf? 'Thank you' seemed a little weak. And besides, she hadn't _asked_ him to beat Jay to a bloody pulp. In fact, she'd specifically told him not to go that far.

"I know what you're thinking," Sean informed her warily, twisting his key in the lock.

"What?" She tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear nervously. "No, you don't."

"I do." He nodded and dropped onto the couch exhaustedly.

"Where's your first aid kit?"

"Uh … bathroom cabinet?" It was anyone's guess. "Anyway, you're thinking how bad you feel 'cause it's sorta-kinda your fault."

"Wroooong," she sang under her breath as she dug through the cabinet.

"But," he continued, "That it's not really because you, being the voice of reason, told us to stop and we didn't listen."

She paused in her search. "Damn it." Was she really that predictable? Or did he just know her that well?

He popped his good eye open as she joined him on the couch. "Am I right?"

"You're bleeding, that's what you are," she told him, ignoring the smug look on his battered face. "Now, hold still, this will sting a little –"

"_Ow!_ Damn it!" He jerked away, hissing sharply. "What are you trying to do, kill me?"

Emma rolled her eyes. "Don't be such a baby. You don't want these cuts to get infected, do you?"

"Guess not," he grumbled, and forced himself to hold still as she applied ointments and bandages to his various injuries.

"You sure did a number on yourself," she said, eyeing the damage. There didn't seem to be anything too serious, just a whole lot of bruises and some scrapes. His ribs were purpled and sore but unbroken, his eyes was swelling and he'd certainly have a shiner, and his cut lip was puffy and raw.

"Shoulda seen the other guy," he boasted, wincing as her fingers tapered lightly over his busted bottom lip.

"Yeah, yeah, you're a tough guy. My hero." She offered him a small smile, letting him know she was joking and that his actions were appreciated. He got the message and returned the smile.

_Were you even listening to a word I said?_

_Sure. You don't want Sean. _

Sean felt his lightheartedness evaporate as Jay and Emma's exchange came back to him. Even though she'd told him she was with Jay, seeing them together had been one of the least pleasant experiences in his life. Watching them kiss, he'd been torn between wanting to kill Jay, throttle Emma, or poke his own eyes out.

"What were you doing today, Emma? In the ravine?"

Her smile faded. "I wasn't skipping again, if that's what you're asking. It was lunch. Give me a break."

He was grateful for the not-skipping part. He'd already figured out her ride the other day had been none other than his good pal Jay. And he was determined not to think about how they'd spent their extra free time. But he needed to know why she'd been with him today.

"And Jay? Why was he there?"

"You know what, Sean? I'd prefer to not have this discussion, so." Moving quickly, she collected the items she'd used and stuffed them back into the box. "I have to get back, anyway, I've already missed half of English."

"You didn't care about missing class a few days ago," he said softly.

She laughed harshly. "Can't a girl change her mind?"

"Emma." She didn't look at him, couldn't bring herself to. "Emma, I don't want you to leave. I just want to know what exactly is going on between you and Jay."

"That certainly is a popular question today. Ellie was curious about what exactly is going on between you and me."

"I know. And I know you told her nothing. That we're just friends who shared a traumatic ordeal, but we're both getting over it." He tilted his head, trying to meet her eyes. "Are you getting over it, Em? Even a little? 'Cause it seems to me like you keep sliding backwards."

"I'm doing the best I can," she said stiffly.

"You think so?"

"I just wanted some time to think. That's all. After Ellie and I talked, and you ambushed me, I just went to the ravine to have some time to myself. Then Jay showed up and we got into an argument and then, well, you came and beat the crap out of him."

"You didn't go there to meet him?"

Emma shook her head. "I realized … when Ellie asked me about you, I finally realized that there's just no hope for us. I know, it's not exactly a newsflash, but you know how it is. You were my first love, and I don't think I even knew I was still carrying around a little hope until she reminded me that you two are together. And serious, from all appearances."

Sean neither confirmed nor denied the statement. He couldn't, he hardly knew himself where he and Ellie rated on the scale of togetherness.

"Jay showed up," Emma continued when Sean said nothing. "And he was being his usual self – an ass. But I didn't take it this time. I told him I wasn't interested and started to leave, and then he kissed me. And then you showed up and – well, you know the rest."

"I'm really glad." At her confused look, he elaborated. "That you didn't go to meet him. Are you gonna sit down again anytime in the next century?"

She'd been standing since threatening to leave moments before. Abruptly, she sat again, curling her legs beneath her so that her knees rubbed against his thighs and her shoulder touched his. "I feel like I keep picking stupid fights with you," she sighed.

"You do."

"Shut up!"

"Hey, I'm just tellin' it like it is." He grabbed the hand that shot out to slap him. "Careful, I'm injured."

"Oh, yeah," she giggled, withdrawing.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Sean watching as Emma toyed with a small tear in the couch's lining. "I like you picking stupid fights with me," he confessed.

"That's a sickness," she remarked.

"Seriously," he insisted. "It makes you seem more like yourself. You know, the girl who'd start a riot over the fate of potato chips if she believed in the cause strongly enough."

Laughter bubbled out of her at that, her head falling back and her eyes closing to relish the simple moment. _This is what I've been missing_. She hadn't laughed enough lately. Not that she'd had much reason to, but still. She felt … lighter once the humor had run its course.

"Well, have no fear, I promise to pick a stupid fight with you every now and then," she said brightly, laying a hand on his leg. "Just 'cause it makes you so happy."

"Thanks, I appreciate the effort," Sean joked back, his hand coming to rest on top of hers.

They both seemed to notice the contact at the same time. Sean cleared his throat, his eyes darting down to their joined hands and back to her face. Emma licked her lips nervously. "Uh, maybe I should … get going," she tried, but didn't move. "You know, give you some recovery time and all."

"Em …" Sean trailed off. _Tell her you'll see her later, man. Remember Ellie. _He argued with himself, _But this is _Emma_. Emma Nelson. Why waste an opportunity you may never have again?_

Throwing caution to the wind, he leaned forward. Their lips met with a spark, a sizzle, and he sank into the familiar sensation. She always tasted like strawberries and smelled like vanilla. He'd never been able to resist the combination. When her lips parted to let his tongue mesh with hers, he had the fleeting thought that he could die happy before his mind was swept clean of anything except the feel of Emma's hands in his hair and her mouth on his.

Emma was having a similar reaction. Kissing Sean had always been an experience unique to anything else in her life. It was like floating and drowning at the same time, and not caring much about either because she was so wrapped up in tasting him, touching him. Her world narrowed down to his strong arms around her waist and his heart beating in tandem with hers.

Then her cell phone rang.

-X-

"Jeez, slugger, I sure hope the other guy's dead or dying."

Jay groaned. Alex had spotted him, lying flat on his back on top of a picnic table, and recognized him for exactly what he was – weak. If there was one thing his ex couldn't resist, it was an easy target. She'd swaggered over and spent two interminably long minutes clucking her tongue mockingly before really starting in on him.

"If he's not, he will be next time I see him," Jay said darkly. Sean was supposed to be his best friend. Why they'd had to go at it over Emma Nelson, of all people, was beyond him. He'd just been having a little fun.

"So? What was the issue?" Alex lifted herself onto the table and rested her feet on the bench. "Stolen goods, bad drugs, what?"

"A girl."

"Ooh, the plot thickens! Jay Hogart, coming to blows over something as horrendously cliché as a _girl?_" Alex shook her head. "I have to say, I'm a little disappointed. It's so … beneath you."

"I wasn't fighting _over _her," he explained irritably. "Because of her, maybe, but definitely not over her."

"And who is the mystery woman? Wait." Inexplicably, Alex began to laugh, a cause of some concern for Jay. Alex only laughed when someone was hurt and she was about to make it worse. "Let me guess. Could it be … Emma Nelson?"

He closed his eyes and tried to block out the sound of her voice. Unfortunately, it wasn't going to happen. "And that means," she mused, "You must have been fighting Sean."

"He started it."

Alex stared. "Could you be _more_ pathetic?"

He doubted it. Which made him angry. Jay's specialty had always been being cooler than anyone else around. Not cooler in the sense of having the most money and the best car, but in the fact that he just didn't care. About anyone. Other than himself.

To have his perfect record of being a cold-hearted bastard ruined was unacceptable. People would get ideas, start to challenge him. If he had to start wringing skinny Grade Ten's necks just to maintain his position as Degrassi's Most Dangerous, he was going to have a serious problem.

This thing with Emma was never supposed to be so complicated, he reflected. In the beginning, she'd been nothing but a pretty face and a notch in his belt. Now … now, he didn't really know. He didn't love her. That much he was sure of. She'd been right when she said they weren't going anywhere. But he didn't want to lose her, not to Sean Cameron. He didn't like to lose.

"So Sean kicked your ass 'cause you were getting too touchy-feely with Emma, huh?" Alex made a sound of disgust. "Did he bother to remember that he has a girlfriend?"

"Aw, your new best friend could lose her security blanket." Jay made an insincere sad face. "Hide all the sharp instruments."

Alex's elbow drove into his already aching midsection with startling force. "_Jesus_!" Jay yelped, sitting up to better defend himself should she make another move. "What the hell, Alex? Way to kick a man when he's down. I'm in _pain_ here."

"You're an idiot," she said testily. "And you only get what you deserve."

"It's not my fault," he defended. "Sean wanted to fight, so we fought. If he's planning on leaving Ellie, and she's planning on heading straight for the nearest kitchen knife, it really doesn't matter to me. I'm done with Cameron. He's dead to me."

"Good. Because chances are, if you mess with him again, you'll be dead for real. And that'd be a damn shame."

The words dripped with sarcasm, but the kiss she pressed to his lips felt sincere enough. Hot, heavy, and over before he could gather his bearings and truly respond. Alex pulled away and looked him dead in the eye. "Get your act together, Jay," she advised. "And when you're done, give me a call."

Jay watched her walk away, arms swinging and hips rolling, then fell back on the table, the wind knocked out of him for the second time that day.

-X-

Leaning against a tree just a few yards away, Ellie stared in shock at the sketch she'd been working on. Once Sean had taken off to deal with Mr. Ehl, Marco had ditched her as well, sneaking out to the bleachers for his daily rendezvous with Dylan. So she'd decided to take advantage of the warm weather and found herself a nice, shady spot to design a new logo for Caitlyn's office.

She'd been distracted, however, by Alex's distinct voice, obviously mocking someone. When Jay had piped in, Ellie had decided to remain where she was in the hopes of going unnoticed. She had little to no patience for Jay today.

Now she was wishing she'd stayed inside. Or at home. Or in Alberta. Any place where she could say that she'd never met or loved Sean Cameron. Anywhere that didn't make her heart hurt this badly.

The words she'd overheard were chasing each other around and around in Ellie's head, refusing to stay put long enough for her to make any kind of sense out of them. Sean and Jay? Fighting over Emma? In what alternate universe did _that _occur?

Obviously this was some kind of cruel trick Jay had masterminded. Or he could be just lying to Alex in the hopes of winning her sympathy. She might not have even understood correctly.

There were a dozen plausible explanations. Gathering her supplies, Ellie forced herself to remain calm. She would find Sean and ask him, straight and to the point, if she needed to be worried. If he said yes, then so be it. She could deal.

She hoped.

-X-

"Ignore it."

Sean tore his lips away from Emma's just long enough to utter the command, then returned to his task. Unfortunately, the phone had restored most of her senses, making her pull away. "It's Paige," she said, rummaging in her bag for the phone. "I was supposed to meet her after school. I'm late."

"Doesn't matter," Sean said, trying to slow his breathing to a normal rate. "It's Paige, she'll survive."

She shot him a Look. "I told her I'd be there."

"I distracted you," he shrugged.

"Aren't you at all bothered by what just happened?" she snapped at him, standing to pace the small area. "We just _kissed_, Sean. In the house you share with Ellie. Doesn't that make you feel a little guilty?"

Yes. Of course it did. He was human, after all, he had a heart. He didn't want to hurt Ellie, not now and not ever. But for some reason, he couldn't make himself feel bad about acting on his impulse. Kissing Emma had felt right. It had felt like a true homecoming. He couldn't be guilty for that.

"Emma, I felt something just now. Something I haven't felt in a while. I think –"

She put a hand out, as if to ward him off. "No." Backing up a few steps, she repeated, "No. Don't say it, Sean, don't even _think_ it. We kissed because I'm a step away from crazy these days, and you were just in a fight with your best friend, and neither of us were thinking straight."

"We kissed because we wanted to," he countered.

Emma shook her head. He couldn't be serious. There was no way Sean would leave Ellie for her. And if he wouldn't do that, then she didn't want him filling her with all kinds of stupid hopes and dreams before breaking her heart for the millionth time.

"Listen to me very carefully," she instructed. "I'm going to go meet Paige now. You're going to return to your regularly schedule program. If by some small chance, anyone asks what I was doing here, I was helping you get cleaned up."

"Emma, don't be like this," Sean argued. "Don't just write me off."

"I have to go," she said quickly. Before she did something she'd enjoy, but regret. "I'll see you around, or in school, or … whatever."

He grabbed her arm, his ribs singing in pain at the movement. "Em. Don't run out on me."

A key turned in the lock. "Sean, you home?" Ellie called out.

Sean froze. Emma took advantage of his surprise and wrenched away from him. His eyes on her retreating figure as she hurried for the back door, he called out, "In the living room, El. Came home a little early today."

As his girlfriend stepped into the living room, Emma slipped outside, tears slipping rapidly down her cheeks. Leave it to her to complicate things tenfold when she'd been trying to simplify her life. Leave it to her to fall more hopelessly in love than ever.


	7. I Am Fred Astaire

Yay for me! As a celebration for finishing all my work, I treated myself to writing the Sean/Ellie breakup scene. If it were up to me, I'd probably work on it for another few weeks but I feel really bad about taking so long to update, so it's not my best. I tried to keep it short and (bitter)sweet and I hope that those of you still interested in this story enjoy it!

**I Am Fred Astaire**

_You should have never come here alone._

Ellie hated herself for wanting to cry. Eleanor Olivia Nash did not cry. It just didn't happen. She'd practically forgotten it was possible. Her father had gone halfway around the world and stayed there until she forgot the details of his face. Her mother had lived for years at the bottom of a particularly deep bottle before finally entering rehab. And Ellie had survived just fine, thank you very much, without blubbering like a baby.

Granted, her alternative way of dealing had been less than healthy, but at least the scars could be hidden. And heal, for that matter. There was no way to hide how upset she was with her cheeks red, her lips trembling, and her eyes brimming with hot, stinging tears.

She blinked furiously, determined not to let them fall just yet. First she would hear what her boyfriend had to say. He deserved the chance to explain. She _needed_ him to explain. Letting the door fall closed behind her, she found her way to the living room and immediately winced. Sean's face was a mess; a colorful collage of black, blue, and purple that made all her earlier concerns fly out the window.

"What _happened_ to you?" she gasped, closing the distance between them and reaching a hand towards his bruised cheek.

Sean stepped back, avoiding both her touch and her eyes. "Jay and I had a … disagreement."

She should've known. Wherever Jay went, trouble followed close behind. Ellie heaved a sigh, not sure if she should be more concerned or pissed off. "What about?"

There was a pause. Ellie's eyes narrowed in suspicion. Pissed off, she decided, she was definitely leaning more towards pissed off.

For his part, Sean's brain was working overtime, debating on how much of the story to share. He didn't want to lie to Ellie. He'd never done that before. But he told her the truth, she would most likely find a way to pin the blame squarely on Emma's shoulders. Girls had a funny way of targeting each other in situations like this. And he really didn't think Emma could deal with the misery Ellie was capable of inflicting.

In the interest of saving everyone anguish, he shrugged. "Nothing major, he was just being a jackass. You know Jay."

Ellie bit her lip. He seemed sincere enough. And Jay _was _a jackass. But he and Sean were also best friends. And if Sean's condition was any sign, it didn't look like it had been a friendly wrestling match. "Well," she said slowly, deliberately, "Maybe he and Emma had a fight or something."

"What?" Hearing Emma's name on Ellie's lips was too surreal, Sean decided. Too on edge to stand still, he swung around and headed for the kitchen. "Why would you think that?"

"It makes sense," Ellie reasoned, having followed close behind him. Needing to at least _feel_ like she had the upper hand, she hoisted herself onto the counter. "If he fought with her, then found you to work off some steam. You're the ex, Sean. You can be blamed for any problem that ever arises in their relationship."

"It's _not _a relationship," he murmured, and pulled an ice pack from the freezer. His head was pounding. And he figured that only about half the pain could be attributed to Jay's sucker punch. The rest was due to Ellie's calm, true, devastating words.

_You're the ex, Sean._

He was Emma's ex. She was his. They were over and done with, had been for months. Hell, had been practically since they'd started. What was he _thinking_, kissing her like that? Asking her to stay? It was so utterly, totally, heinously wrong.

He wanted to do it again.

Ellie cocked her head to the side. "What makes you say that?"

"Say what?" Had he spoken out loud? Because that would be bad. Really bad, in such a way that it would probably be funny. "What'd I say?"

"That Emma and Jay don't have a relationship," she explained, speaking slowly, as if he were challenged. "'Cause from what I hear through the grapevine, they sure do."

"Ellie, please," Sean scoffed. "Can you see them lasting much longer? They're not _right_ together. They're total opposites."

"People said the same thing about you and her," Ellie pointed out logically.

"Yeah, but we loved each other," he said.

Or _thought_ he said. The way Ellie's jaw dropped to the floor gave him a clue that the words might have come out a bit longer. And the way her eyes had narrowed to slits had him counting out the paces to the nearest exit.

"Nice use of the present tense, there, Sean," she finally managed, prompting his words to replay themselves in his head.

_Yeah, but we love each other. We love each other. We _love_ each other._

Slowly, Sean lifted his gaze to meet Ellie's. "El," he began, then stopped. What could he say? Ellie took Psych, she knew what a Freudian slip was. Which meant she now knew what he'd been denying to himself for weeks and months and eons.

He loved Emma. He was head over heels for her. They way she walked, the way she talked, how she wasn't ever wrong and always knew it. Her laugh, her eyes, her skin, the way her fingers fit perfectly between his. How, when they'd been dating, he would wrap his arm around her waist to pull her closer and she would play with the hair at the back of his neck and he'd swear life was perfect.

"El," he said again, and made one final stab at doing the right thing, being the good guy. "That's not what I meant, that's …"

"Don't." She put a hand up to ward off whatever feeble excuse he was stumbling over. "Don't make yourself any more of a liar. Or me any more of a fool."

"You're _not_," he tried desperately. "And I'm not. It's just –"

"What were you and Jay really fighting about?" she interrupted.

Sean raked his hand through his hair, such a familiar, heartwarming gesture that she almost screamed. "Emma," he finally admitted. "We fought about Emma."

"Bet the poster girl for feminism really loved that one," Ellie bit out, baring her teeth in the mockery of a smile.

Sean ignored the tone, figuring she deserved to get at least a couple shots in. They should've been aimed at him, he knew that, but as long as Emma wasn't there to hear the poison Ellie spewed, he'd let it slide. "She stopped us before things got out of control."

"What a _saint_!"

"Ellie, please. Please, you have to hear me out on this one: It's not Emma's fault. She doesn't even know how I feel. Hell, _I_ don't even know how I feel."

"You love her," Ellie said simply. "You're Sean and she's Emma and you've loved her since Grade Seven. No." She pulled away when he reached for her hand, trying his damnedest to soften the blow. "Don't. I've kind of always known. And I think you have, too."

"I didn't, I swear." He shook his head furiously. "I wouldn't have done that to you, Ellie."

"You didn't mean to." She knew that he wasn't so hurtful as to purposely break her heart. But it was breaking all the same, and she wasn't sure she could forgive him for that. Ellie's heart had never broken before. She wasn't exactly sure of the protocol. "We can't help who we love, I guess."

"I'm sorry," he offered, a little weakly. "I'm really, really sorry. I wish …"

"Things were different," she supplied, and shrugged. "Me, too."

The apartment was quiet for several minutes as they processed the unexpected turn of events. Ellie was the first to speak, clearing her throat and tugging on her ear anxiously. "I'll, um … I'll move back with my mother," she offered. "Just give me a few days to get my stuff together."

"You don't have to do that."

"No, I want to." And strangely enough, she did. She missed her mom. Not the drunk who'd yelled and slapped from the time Ellie was seven, but the real mom, the one she'd been before. The one she claimed she could be again. Ellie wanted to see that woman. She wanted to be held and comforted and nagged by her. "You should have this place to yourself again, I think. I think you need that."

_She's right,_ he admitted to himself. He loved the idea of being alone in the apartment again, of having that independence. He'd lived most of his life alone or lonely, but when he'd rented the place, he hadn't felt either one of those. He'd felt, for the first time, like he had a home. And now that he'd made peace with the one in Wasaga Beach, it was time to fully enjoy the one in Degrassi.

"You're gonna be … okay?" He hated that his eyes flickered down to her wrists as he asked. _Like you were such a great boyfriend that she'll kill herself over you_, his conscience scoffed. _Listen, man, she dealt with you leaving once, she'll do it again just fine._

She followed his gaze and chuckled slightly when she realized she hadn't snapped her elastic once throughout their conversation. She hadn't needed to. "Yeah," she told him, feeling lighter than she had in a long time. "Yeah, I think I'll be just fine."

He nodded, relieved, then brushed a stray strand of her hair back. "I think you will be, too."

Ellie closed her eyes when his fingers met her skin. _This is good-bye,_ she told herself. A lot of people in her life had left her, but none of them had ever bothered to say good-bye. She admired and respected Sean for being the first.

Then she reached up to take his hand and pull it, gently, away from her face. Their fingers tangled together and fell apart. They both watched it happen without saying a word.

"You know I'm gonna tell everyone the reason we broke up is because you're gay, right?" Ellie joked after another long silence, attempting to lighten the mood.

Sean snorted. "That would make you 0 for 2, then."

"I sure do know how to pick 'em," she laughed. "Listen, will you drop me off at my mom's? I'll come back later and get everything but right now … it's …"

"A little raw," he agreed, sobering quickly. "I get it."

"Thank you."

Ellie led the way out of the apartment, being careful not to look back. _None of that belongs to you_, she told herself. _You don't want it to._

The best part was, she really didn't.


	8. One Eighty By Summer

**One Eighty by Summer**

_Go on, just say it: you need me like a bad habit._

"You look like hell," were the first words out of Paige's mouth when Emma reached The Dot nearly an hour late for their meeting. The second ones were: "So what took you so long?"

Emma almost smiled as she slid into the booth across from her friend. There was really no cure like Paige Michalchuk for self-pity. With her around, it was pretty damn sure you wouldn't have a spare thought to spend feeling bad about yourself.

"Sorry," she apologized, grateful for the long sip of vanilla frappe Paige offered up. "I got caught up with … something."

Paige's eyebrows nearly hit her hairline. "Oh, reallllllly?" she drawled, rolling the word off her tongue. "Do tell."

"Tell what?"

Paige refused to buy the innocent act. "Hon, contrary to popular opinion, I'm not just a pretty face. So where were you and, more importantly, who were you with?"

"I … am really lost," Emma laughed, her fingers playing with the delicate silver chain that adorned her neck. "What are you talking about?"

"You're doing that thing," Paige informed her. "With the necklace? When you're nervous?"

She was. Emma dropped the jewelry as if it had burned her. "Just a habit."

"A _nervous_ habit," Paige stressed. "Em, seriously, you cannot keep me waiting almost an hour, then withhold all the juicy details. _Spill_!"

_Just do it and get it over with, _Emma advised herself. _She'll drag it out of you if she has to._

"Okay, I give up," she relented, knowing that Paige could flog a dead horse for hours and not tire. "I was with Sean. Satisfied?"

Paige squealed. "Emma, you're _kidding_! Well, of course you're not, you wouldn't, but – that's fantastic! That's _fantastic_!" It took a few minutes for her to realize she was the only one celebrating, then she quieted. "It's … not fantastic?"

"I'm the other woman. He has a _girlfriend_, Paige. A live-in girlfriend. A girlfriend who could kick my ass, and rightfully so."

Paige disagreed. "You could take her. Besides, Ellie knew Sean had baggage. Honestly, haven't you heard of women's intuition? She must have known, deep down, that he loves you more than he could ever love anyone else."

Emma was silent. Yes, Sean had been hers first, but that didn't automatically give her any and all rights to him, did it? And even if it did, they were only in high school, for Pete's sake! Just because they thought they felt a certain way right now didn't guarantee it would last the rest of their lives.

"I'm too _young_ for this!" she burst out, slamming her palms down on the table's Formica surface. "Too young and too tired and way, way too goddamn independent to spend months drooling over the guy who's broken my heart more times than I care to count!"

"Okay, hon, you're killing me," Paige groaned. "Close your eyes. Breathe. You calm?"

"Getting there," she said without opening her eyes. If she could float through the rest of her life with her eyes closed and her breathing steady, she'd be just fine. "Why am I meditating?"

"Ew, meditation's so early nineties. You're clearing your head, that's all. Take a sec, here, okay? Think about a regular, ordinary day. School, work, home, whatever. Got the picture?"

_Jack is crying for Spike as she rushes out the door, late for another double shift at the salon. Emma wants to scream her own lungs hoarse, but instead waves good-bye to the mother she barely recognizes and soothes Jack with whispers that can't compete with his ear-splitting, all-consuming turmoil. And not even his powerful pipes can drown out the sound of Snake retching, horribly, painfully, in the bathroom down the hall._

_He stumbles out a few minutes later, a paler, thinner version of the man who once brought laughter and lightness to the Nelson household. "Em, I know you had plans," he mumbles, already walking away from her, towards the bed he rarely leaves. "But I'm not doing …"_

_"Gotcha," she says, not wanting to hear the grim news. None of them are doing so well, and there's a modicum of peace in not acknowledging it. "I've got Jack, no worries."_

"Yep, I sure do," Emma tells Paige. "It's not very pretty."

"Okay. That's fine, that's life right now. What's the one thing in the world that, if you had it, could make things better?"

_Snake doesn't hear her, he's already lost in his private pain again. Jack, still crying, writhes in her arms, wanting attention or reassurance or maybe just a bottle. It's hard to tell what someone needs when they can't just outright tell you._

_The doorbell rings and she's suddenly, unreasonably angry. What nerve someone has, to crash into her comfortably catastrophic life and upset the delicate balance. She goes to answer it, to send them away as quickly as she can, but they've let themselves in._

_"I come bearing pizza," Sean says importantly, offering up the box as if it contains an olive branch or his heart. She wants both, but she'll settle for double cheese. "Here, you take this and I'll take him …"_

_They swap, so that Sean is cradling a miraculously silent Jack and Emma is breathing in the aroma of freshly baked pizza. Her anger fades as her stomach growls. "How did you know …?" she asks in wonderment, because he always knows what she needs before even she herself can realize it._

_"Just did," he shrugs. "Jack looks hungry, too, I'll grab his bottle while you pick out a movie, okay?"_

_"Sean, I can't go out today, I'm baby-sitting. Snake's not …"_

_He understands the whole 'don't mention it' thing. "I know, it's cool. There's a whole stack of DVDs in your living room. Just don't make it a chick flick, Jack hates those." _

_They settle down on the couch, the three of them, and Emma feels the world shift back into place. Her house looks familiar again, Sean's chest rumbles with his laughter and her own heart lights up in response, she's home and she's happy._

"Em? Did you fall asleep on me? 'Cause that would totally kill the spiritual mood."

Paige's voice brought her back from the fantasy and Emma's eyes opened reluctantly. She met Paige's gaze starkly. "I need Sean," she confessed.

"I knew it!" Paige clapped and cheered. "So what's the hold up?"

"I can't have him."

"Hon, in the words of Cecile Michalchuk: You can have everything you need and then some, as long as you're properly armed."

Emma thought about that for a minute. "Your step mom's scary," she decided.

"She was talking about shoes," Paige laughed. "I think."

"So how does that help me?"

"You're already properly armed, hon. You _have _what Sean wants. All you have to do is be willing to give it, and he's yours like _that_." Paige snapped her fingers to emphasize her point. "Open up to him, Em. Tell him how you feel. _That's_ your secret weapon."

"Tell him how I feel," Emma repeated softly. She wasn't so sure that would do the trick. "Even though all our old problems still exist? Along with some new ones?"

Paige waved off the potential obstacles. "Take a chance for once in your life, Emma Nelson. You're always so ready to fight for everything you believe in. Don't you believe in you and Sean?"

"I … want to."

"Then _prove_ it."

"How?"

Paige finished off her frappe with relish. "Do what you do best, Em. Fight for it."

-X-

Sean had been driving around aimlessly for hours before he finally ended up parked at the ravine. He left the car running so the headlights could illuminate his surroundings and got out, ready to pace out some built up steam.

He'd gone over and over the day's events in his mind, enough times to make any normal person dizzy. A fight with Jay, a kiss with Emma, a breakup with Ellie. If every week started turning out as his homecoming had, he was going to run screaming back to Wasaga as fast as he could. Or maybe just check himself into an asylum. Or a monastery, that'd be safer.

The hours of thinking had brought him to only one conclusion: he wanted to be with Emma.

He really, really wanted that. There'd never been a better time in his life than the days he'd once spent with her, talking and laughing about nothing at all. Those sacred hours had meant everything to him. He just hadn't known how to deal with that, then.

He thought he'd be better at it now. They'd both grown up a lot in the last few years. With age came maturity, right? Wasn't that the general consensus? No one was more mature than the two of them. The things he'd seen and done, everything she'd gone through recently. They were adults trapped in eighteen-year-old bodies, screaming for release.

She _was_ his release. She calmed his temper, soothed his fears, touched his heart with her honest words and simple gestures. She was his other half, his _better_ half, his conscience, his pride, his sense of belonging in the world.

He didn't just _want_ to be with her, he decided. He needed it.

So now here he was, walking in circles through the grass, trying to decide on a course of action. He needed to convince Emma to give him another shot. But how? She was so wrapped up in all the drama he'd created for her in years past. Plus, her situation at home didn't exactly fill her with confidence in love and the ways of the world.

He had to make her see how right they were for each other.

"Well, well, well. What's this I see?" Jay's mocking drawl seemed to come from the sky at first, so blinded was Sean by the glare of his own headlights. Finally, the other boy stepped forward and was lit up by the glow. "Sean Cameron, cowering in the ravine. This gives the phrase 'sinking down to my level' a whole new meaning, my friend."

"I'm not your friend, Jay," Sean said, struggling to keep his voice neutral and his fists clenched at his sides. He didn't want to fight again, but if pressed, he definitely had the frustration for it.

Jay shrugged. "Your loss, I guess. So tell me, how's the view from that moral high ground you've found? Does everything look shinier from way up there?"

Sean feigned pleasantness. "Well, Hogart, I can tell you one thing. From up high, you look like an even smaller person than you really are."

"Ooh, direct hit." Jay mimed being pierced in the heart with an invisible dagger. "I gotta say, Cameron, now that Blondie's back in the picture … you're boring."

"I don't like to think of it as 'boring.' I like to think of it as … better than you."

"And what makes you think that, man?" Jay was getting angry now. It'd been amusing for a little to watch Sean do cartwheels and back flips in the name of love, but now, the entertainment factor was wearing thing and it was mostly just annoying. "You're just _like_ me."

There was a scary thought. There were a lot of scary thoughts, actually. One of Sean's biggest fears was the truth in that statement. What if he was, on the inside, where it counted, no better than Jay and the other pathetic losers he hung around? Wasn't that why he'd so willingly gone with them all last year? He'd thought he'd belonged there.

"I'm not like you," he denied. "I'm nothing like you."

Jay laughed. "You're not? Why not? Because you love a girl who's way too good for you? Or because, once upon a time, she might have loved you back?"

"Don't run your mouth about things you know nothing about, man," Sean cautioned. "What me and Emma have is between the two of us."

"How _romantic_," Jay sighed, fluttering his hands above his heart. "You make me sick, actually."

"Jealous much?"

"Of you and the Naturefreak? Need I remind you, I've been there and done that? She's good, but not that good. You can have her."

Sean saw red. Literally. He didn't think anger had ever enveloped him as fast and as furiously as it did when those words left Jay's mouth. Practically before the sentence had ended, his fist had landed on Jay's jaw like a hammer on a nail.

Jay stumbled and swore. After feeling tenderly at his newest battle scar, he swore again and backed up a few steps. "I'm not gonna fight with you again, Cameron. Not over some dumb chick. It's not worth my time."

"You're not worth my time," Sean dismissed. "But I'm gonna say this once more: Stay the hell away from Emma. Don't touch her, don't talk to her, don't even so much as glance in her direction. She doesn't need your crap anymore than I do. Are we clear?"

"Yeah, yeah," Jay brushed off. His mouth was screaming for medication. "Whatever you say, Whipping Boy."

Sean raised an eyebrow. "I'm serious, Jay."

"Hey, man, I won't touch your precious Barbie Doll if you swear to never, ever punch me in the face again. What's _with_ you, going after the same target twice in one day? That could cause permanent damage," he complained.

Sean stifled his laughter at the other boy's whine. "Deal."

"Fine, then. We're done here." Jay started to walk away, then stopped and turned back, hidden once again in the shadows. "And Cameron? Good luck with Cause Girl."

"Thanks," he managed, after nearly swallowing his tongue in surprise.

"You're gonna need it," Jay muttered and with that, was gone.

Sean smiled to himself. He didn't need luck. He didn't need anything but Emma. And he was going to win her over if it was the last thing he did.

Starting now.


	9. Number Five With A Bullet

Thank you so much for all the kind words! It's so fun to have control over Sean and Emma because, let's face it, they just can't keep it together on their own. I'm so glad there are still people interested in reading this story, it makes me that much more motivated to finish. As always, hope you enjoy!

**Number Five with a Bullet**

_We're so hit or miss but in spite of that …_

"Emma. Psst. _Emma_."

She was dreaming, Emma decided when Sean's voice invaded her subconscious. That was the only explanation for why he'd be whispering her name at well past midnight after kissing her senseless earlier that day. There was no other possible, plausible reason for it.

"Come _on_, Em. Open your eyes," Sean urged, leaning over her sleeping form to shake her lightly. "Wake up, we have to talk."

She was _definitely _dreaming, because there was no way Sean would ever utter the words 'We have to talk.' That was her line, most often brushed off with a sneer or a snarl from him. But then again, her dream visions of Sean didn't usually have him fully clothed, peering at her impatiently from the foot of her bed.

Emma sat up groggily, her vision bleary, her throat dry and scratchy. "S – Sean? What are you _doing_ here?" Her mind raced with frantic thoughts of disasters that could being him to her bedroom so late at night. "Is everything okay? Did something happen?"

_Go easy on her, break it gently,_ his conscience cautioned.

"Ellie and I broke up," he blurted out, then had to refrain from slapping his palm against his skull.

_Subtle as a steamroller, _came the mocking inner voice.

It was too late to take it back, that much was certain. The jig was up. Emma's eyes widened comically at the news, going as big and round as planets. Her face paled dramatically. Sean would have laughed, had he not been somewhat concerned.

"Em? Did you hear me? Ellie and I … we're done."

"You're … done," she repeated faintly. Was the room spinning? She felt off balance, somehow, as if someone had kicked her pedestal out from beneath her and she was teetering precariously at an impossible height. "Okay. Why?"

"Why?" It was Sean's turn to be confused. "What do you mean, _why_?"

What did he _mean_, what did she mean? Obviously, if she was asking why, she meant why? As in, why would he dump Ellie when they'd gotten along so well together? As in, why was he sneaking through her window to inform her of the latest development in his relationship? As in, why did he think it was right or fair to any of them involved to be here like this?

She had too many questions and hardly enough answers to be satisfied, Emma decided. She didn't like being clueless. Most of her frustration worked its way out in the terse words she forced past the lump in her throat.

"I mean, _why_? I mean, what in the _hell_ possessed you to end things with Ellie, just when everything was going so well for the two of you? I mean, are you _crazy_?"

She was working her way into a tangent, he knew, and he could say from his own personal experience that it wouldn't be very pretty. When Emma got wound up about something, it was a good idea to duck for cover until the storm had passed.

Still, he loved the way her eyes gleamed when she got all riled up about something.

"Em, calm down," he advised. "Take a deep breath, count to ten, you know the drill."

"Okay, okay." Because she thought she'd hyperventilate if she didn't, she obeyed. "Now will you please explain yourself?"

He took his own deep breath. "After you left this afternoon, Ellie and I talked and … I don't know, we both just realized we weren't right for each other. It wasn't working. So it's over."

"You don't 'just realize' something like that, Sean," Emma sputtered. "Ending a relationship is a serious decision!"

"Yeah, but it was the _right_ one for me and Ellie," he insisted. "Trust me, we talked it all through and everything."

Emma fell silent for a good thirty seconds, which was probably some kind of record, as she mulled over the new information. "And what, exactly, prompted this little epiphany? If you don't mind my asking."

_This is it, _he told himself. This was opportunity knocking – no, pounding – on the door to the wall that had been between them since last year. This was his chance, threatening to disappear as the seconds ticked by and he struggled with his answer.

"Actually … it was something I've known for a long time and just didn't want to face," Sean admitted. He hated to feel his muscles quivering with nerves, his palms clammy, and his heart skipping every third beat. He hated being uncertain of where he stood, especially in Emma's eyes. "And then, for a while, I thought it was too late. But here's the thing: it's not."

Emma wasn't following. She could barely _hear_ his words over her own pounding heart, much less understand them. "Not … what?"

"Not too late!" he responded, impatient with her uncharacteristically slow thought process. Here he was, practically bursting at the seams with all the love he had for her, and she was standing in her pajamas, staring at him like he had four heads and obviously wanting to go back to bed. "For us! Emma … I love you."

Her reaction was hardly what he'd been expecting. She looked … stricken, he thought, as if he'd just backhanded her or dumped a bucket of ice-cold water over her head. Her face paled dramatically and he could've sworn he'd seen a vein in her neck form where there'd once been smooth skin.

"_What_?" she spat out, stepping away from him like he was a leper. "You _what_?"

"I love you," he repeated, crossing the room in two great strides to be as close to her as he could. He took her small hands in his much larger ones, clasping them gently, marveling at the fit of their fingers and the softness of her skin. So enraptured was he, in fact, that he could hardly notice that she was less than thrilled by the bomb he'd dropped.

Emma thought she might throw up. Or scream. Or throw herself off a building and pray to God no one took it upon themselves to call 911. All three seemed like viable options at this point. Of everything that had flown through her head when Sean said they needed to talk, him being broken up with Ellie and back in love with her hadn't so much as crossed her mind.

_It's too good to be true._ _If memory serves correctly, you've tried being a couple before and failed miserably. _Several_ times._

"No," she said, her head shaking to reinforce her denial. "You don't love me, Sean. You just think you do because of everything that's happened with us in the past and …"

"And more recently," he filled in, his mind traveling back to the moment they'd shared earlier.

Her mind wandered as well, but she brought herself back before getting too lost. "You need to go home to Ellie and talk this through with her, Sean."

"Can't. She's gone. She's back at her mom's, probably until University."

Emma gaped. "Isn't her mom an alcoholic?"

"Recovering," he assured. "And if she falls off the wagon at any point, Ellie knows she has a place to crash for as long as she needs."

"So you … parted on good terms?"

He thought it over. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess we did." He was proud of that. He'd always been the type of guy to sever all ties and move on quickly, before the pain could register. The fact that over the course of just a few months, he'd managed to make peace with his parents, call truces with most of the enemies he'd made, and have a healthy, mature breakup with Ellie made him feel … older. Like he was growing up or something. "We're still gonna be friends."

"That's good to hear," Emma said in all sincerity. "But, Sean, you need to think before rushing into things. I mean, you've been single for all of an hour and –"

"Four hours," he interrupted. "And I _have_ been thinking. About _you_. For weeks, now. Months, years, I don't even know anymore."

She couldn't resist being flattered in a big way. She'd always been so wrapped up in Sean, so in awe of every word he spoke and move he made. It was nice to hear that she had a similar effect on him, even if he _was_ better at hiding it.

"That's not what I mean," she tried to explain. "I mean, think about what you want to _do_ with your life. Think about what you need."

"You. I need you." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, not that he wanted to. "Emma, we've got something, okay? You can't keep pretending it doesn't exist. You can't just brush me off 'cause you're too busy or too tired or too overwhelmed to deal with this, because this is important. This is me and you."

"That's why I'm so _afraid_!" she burst out. "Sean, me and you make crashing and burning look like a recreational activity! We don't _work_ together! Haven't we seen that firsthand a _thousand_ times before?"

"That was different," he argued. "We've changed since then."

"Yeah, for better and worse. I mean, you've finally gotten your act together and become the person I always knew you could be. And me …" Emma looked at a loss for a moment. "Sean, you don't even know me anymore. Just because we have a past doesn't mean we should have a present."

"I don't know you?" His temper was rising at a drastic rate. He could _feel_ his adrenaline start to pump as he geared himself for the fight of his life. "Don't give me that crap, Emma. I _know_ you. I know the way you twirl your necklace when you're nervous and how your laugh gets all girly and giggly when you really think something's funny. I know the exact length and shade of your hair, the feel of your lips, the way you smell and smile and sigh.

"I know your biggest fear is failure and that you sleep with your light on when you're scared," he continued when she tried to interject. "I know you want to see the world while you're saving it. I know that you could exist on Chunky Monkey ice cream alone and that when you're in a bad mood, you play that stupid Bangles song over and over again. I know that deep down, the only thing you really want is to be how you used to be, when you didn't know how badly life could suck. And I also know that, no matter what's happened, you don't really think life sucks, because you're one of those annoying, glass-half-full kind of people that I hate with a passion. So don't try to tell me how much you've changed or how I don't know you anymore, because I don't buy it."

Emma was torn. Should she laugh or cry, hit him or hug him and never let go? The fact that he knew all those little details about her, things she barely noticed about herself, warmed her insides to the point of melting. But it wasn't just that he could recite statistics, it was the _way_ he had recited them. All that fire and fury, his words rushed and his eyes lit with passion.

He really did love her, she realized. He loved her like she loved him, like she'd _always_ loved him – wholly, without reserve or restraint or common sense. There was no cause for it and a whole pile of reasons not to bother, but it was there, just the same.

"Okay," she said dumbly, reeling from the realization.

"Okay?" This wasn't turning out exactly as he'd hoped. He couldn't have imagined a worse response to his confession than the lackluster one she'd given thus far. "Okay, what?"

"Okay, you love me." Saying the words out loud may have changed Emma's entire view on life. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from her chest. Her back straightened, her shoulders set, her chin lifted. A smile began to work its way across her lips tentatively, unsure if it would be allowed to stay. "You love me."

"Yeah, we've established that, Em. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"You what?" Sean did a double take. His heart flip-flopped and collided with his stomach as his ears worked to clarify what he'd heard. "Say that again, please?"

She laughed lightly and complied. "I love you, Sean Cameron."

"Again," he demanded, crushing her to his chest. His lips flew across her face, landing tiny, promising kisses on her nose, her ears, her cheeks.

She shrieked with delight and wrapped her arms around him, returning the embrace with every fiber of her being. "I love you, love you, love you. I've loved you forever."

"Ditto," he said breathlessly, and crushed his lips to hers without another word.

She was falling, falling, falling and then – flying. Soaring above the earth, powerful and fearless and free. Sean's arms were the only things that anchored her firmly to the ground, holding her in place when she would've floated away on a cloud of ecstasy and fulfillment.

"Emma?" Spike's voice at the top of the stairs was a sudden, devastating clip to her wings. They jumped apart, gasping for air as her mother continued, "Em, I heard a noise. Is everything all right?"

"Y – yeah, Mom, it's fine," Emma called back, stifling her giggles. Sean looked absurdly guilty, his face red and his eyes darting around the room for an escape route in case Spike decided to further hr investigation. "There was a spider that scared me, that's all."

"Did you get it?"

"Yeah, Mom." Emma smiled. "I got it. Good night."

They waited until they'd heard Spike's shuffling footsteps go back to the bedroom before meeting each other's eyes again. "I should – go," Sean suggested, gesturing vaguely to the window.

"Yeah," Emma agreed. "Sean?"

He halted in his tracks. "Yeah?"

She bit her lip. "Can we just … for now, at least … take this slow?"

"Em, it's taken us a good four years to admit we love each other. You want to go slower?"

"I don't want to mess this up again, that's all. Look at where we've gotten each other before. I don't want to go through all that ever again," she said, sticking to her guns. If she wrecked herself for Sean one more time, she didn't think she'd survive.

Because he understood that, because he had the same fear, he made his way back to her to look her in the eye. "We'll go as slow as you want. In fact!" He rubbed his hands together briskly. "What do you say to a date? We've only ever had that one in Grade Seven."

"When you dug through trash for me," she recalled fondly, running her fingers up and down his arms. "I think you stole my heart right then and there."

"I think you stole my sanity," he said truthfully, kissing her again. "How's Saturday? I'll pick you up at, what, eight?"

"Perfect," she sighed.

"Oh, and Em?" He stopped once more at the window and she paused in the process of crawling back into bed. "We're not going to mess this up again. I'm not going to let it happen."

Comforted by the faith he had in their relationship, she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow and dreamed of Sean reaching into trash bags to find what she'd lost and presenting it to her with a grin.

It was her own smile, every time.


	10. Little Devotional

Ahh thank you so much to my reviewers! You guys are so awesome, I'm so glad you enjoyed the reunion. It was fun to write, that's for sure. Another half day at school led to this charming little chapter. It was written in about 20 minutes, not proofread or edited, so sorry for any mistakes! The final chapter should be up in a few days at most. Enjoy!

**Little Devotional**

_You know I've always been impressed_

"You nervous?"

"No."

"Not even a little."

"Nope."

"You sure?"

"Of course."

"Emma!" Paige finally exclaimed. "Admit it, you're shaking in your boots! I can _tell_, you know."

Emma emerged from the closet with a handful of shirts and dumped them unceremoniously on the bed. "Yeah, but if I ignore the butterflies in my stomach, they'll go away. So which one?"

Paige studied the mass of clothing Emma had assembled and wrinkled her nose. "None of the above. I was afraid of this."

"What? Afraid of what?"

"Emma, these clothes are all very nice for school and baby sitting and picking up trash. But for the reunion date with the love of your life? You're going to have to branch out a bit, hon."

Emma looked panicked. "Branch out? What do you mean? I don't _have_ anything else to wear. And it's a little late to go on a shopping spree since Sean's gonna be here in … oh my God, like, half an hour!"

Being the good friend that she was, Paige stifled her laughter as Emma began to rush haphazardly around the room, trying to brush her teeth, comb her hair, and get dressed at the same time. "Em, I think it'd be easier if you …"

"_Oof_!" Tripping over Paige's discarded stiletto heels, Emma landed with a soft thud on the floor. "Ow!"

"Good thing you're so calm, cool, and collected, Em," Paige deadpanned before dissolving into giggles. "Do that again, just let me get my camera-phone …"

She picked herself up, blew her bangs out of her eyes, and heaved a sigh. "Paige, what am I gonna do? Sean's gonna be here soon and I'm nowhere close to being ready."

Her tone stopped the rest of Paige's laughter. "You _are_ talking solely about clothes, right? Because if you mean 'not ready' in any other sense, you need to say so right now."

Emma took a moment to collect herself. "Clothes," she said firmly. "Just clothes. I've been waiting for this thing with Sean to get back on track … well, forever, I guess. I want this more than anything else."

"Well, then!" Paige clapped her hands, business-like. "Sit your cute butt down over here, hon, 'cause we have some work to do."

"What do you mean?" Emma asked wearily as Paige led her to her desk chair and instructed her to hold still. "Paige. What kind of work?"

"Hair, makeup, nails, wardrobe." Paige plucked a few items from Emma's vanity and reached into her own purse for an assortment of tubes, pots, and bottles that were sure to be of use. "You're lucky I'm practically a professional."

And with those promising words, she set to work.

-X-

Twenty seven minutes later, Emma sat nervously in the kitchen, primped and prepped to absolute perfection. Her form-fitting jeans hugged close in all the right places, Paige's heels gave her added height, and the black tank top that Paige had literally given to her off her own back was both delicately feminine and dangerously feline. Spike had offered up a black leather jacket that she hadn't worn in years to complete the ensemble.

Her hair curled attractively at its ends, her bangs partially obscuring her wide brown eyes, which Paige had deepened and dramatized with a sweep of mascara and nude shadow. Her cheeks were flushed with both her excitement and whatever product Paige had dusted them with. And her lips shone with gloss that she'd bitten off three times already.

"Emma, you look beautiful," Snake said sincerely, smiling from his place across the table. He'd made at least a small recovery in the past few days, feeling stronger and healthier than he had in weeks. Spike murmured her agreement, stroking her daughter's hair lovingly. She was just happy to have Emma back again, sitting down with them to talk and laugh like she'd used to.

"Thanks, guys," Emma said shyly. "Are you sure you'll be all right tonight, though? You don't need me to watch Jack or run an errand or anything like that?"

"We'll be just fine." Spike shared a tender glance with her husband. "We're just going to take it easy, have dinner together, go to bed early. Pretty standard stuff."

But it wasn't, and everyone knew it. Snake hadn't been able to have dinner at the table in months. Tonight would be a celebration of that, however small.

"Okay." The doorbell rang, cutting off anything else Emma might have said. "That's him. I'll be home by twelve, have a nice night, guys."

"Good luck tonight, honey," Spike called after her.

_I don't need luck, _Emma thought as she made her way to the door. _I've got Sean._

-X-

It took Sean a good minute to shake himself out of his stupor, and another one to form a coherent sentence. "You look beautiful," he finally managed. But beautiful hardly covered it. Emma was radiant, head-to-toe gorgeous, dazzling enough to strike him dumb.

She blushed, pleased with his reaction, and closed the door behind her. "You don't look so bad yourself," she said shyly, fingers brushing the blue button-down shirt that drew attention to his almost identical eyes.

He wanted to close his eyes to better absorb the touch. She really had no idea what just being near her did to him. And now wasn't the time to confess the intensity of his feelings. He didn't want to scare her off now that they were so close to getting it right.

"Well, you ready to go make everyone else jealous?" he suggested, struggling to keep the mood light as he held his hand out for her to take.

She took it without hesitation, eyes dancing with laughter. "Can't wait," she responded, and allowed herself to be led to the car. "Where are we headed?"

"Well, first on the agenda is to get you a decent meal," he said. "You're skin and bones, Em."

"I wasn't … eating so much after the … the shooting," she explained, casting her eyes downward. "It was hard to hold food down."

"But it's been months," he protested.

Emma shrugged. She hadn't even noticed the lack of nutrition until her pants began to sag on her waist and her shirts hang too loosely from her skeletal form. "I guess I just got used to feeling empty.'

The quiet admission threatened to break his heart. It also made him angry at his own selfishness. She'd been devastated after Rick's death, and he'd left her alone when she needed him most. And for what? The only answer Wasaga had provided him with was that he needed to be back at Degrassi.

"I should've been there for you," he said gruffly, keeping his eyes trained on the road. "I should never have gone to Wasaga."

"What? Sean, no. You needed to do that, you needed that time."

"Yeah, but _you_ needed _me_."

Emma shook her head empathetically. "There wasn't anything you could've done for me over the summer, Sean. I was _determined_ to wreck myself. I thought it'd be easier on everyone if I could just … fade away. And besides, it's not like you were in the best shape, either."

Hadn't he told himself the very same thing, time and time again? Sean knew when he was beaten. "You're probably right," he sighed. "So how 'bout now? Do you need me now?"

Silence filled the car, choking him like water seeping into his lungs. He risked a glance in her direction, trying to gauge her reaction.

"I don't … _need_ you, need you," Emma said carefully. "Like I'll fall apart if you go away. Actually, I would, I think. But I don't _want_ to need you that badly. I want to be okay with being by myself, too, if it comes to that. I used to be independent. Remember those days?"

"You still are," he assured. "Believe me, Em, no matter what happens between us, you're a survivor. I moved away and look, you're still here, going strong."

She appreciated that he didn't mention how badly she'd been doing on her own. "Well, still." Working up a smile, she put the issue to rest, "Let's just leave it at I love you, okay?"

He smiled, too, lifting their joined hands to kiss her knuckles. This was the Emma he knew, ready to stand on her own and defend herself. He was immeasurably happy to have her back. "Good enough for me."

-X-

"You look good enough to eat!" Spike declared, kissing Archie's bald head with a resounding smack.

"I _feel_ good enough to eat," he corrected, gesturing to the veritable feast she'd laid before them. "And to think, I thought I'd never be able to enjoy your roasted chicken again."

"You're sure you're up to this?" she asked for perhaps the millionth time, worry lines etched into her forehead. "If you're getting tired, you can go back upstairs and I can bring you a tray."

"Trust me, Christine, I feel fine. It's great to be downstairs again. And just think … Jack's out for the night, Em's gone …" he trailed off, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Out with _Sean_," his wife clarified. "You think that's a good idea, the two of them starting back up?"

"She was happier today than she has been in a long time. That has to count for something."

"I just don't want her to get hurt again," Spike sighed. "I want her to be okay."

"I think she's getting there. I think we're _all_ getting there," Archie said positively, and drew her into his lap for another kiss.

-X-

Emma drew away from Sean's lips reluctantly, keeping her arms looped loosely around his neck so that they were nose to nose. "We should probably …"

"Stop," he agreed, his fingers entangled in her hair. "It's getting –"

"Late," she supplied, stroking her nails up and down his back. After dinner, they'd agreed to come back to his apartment and watch a stupid made-for-tv horror movie Emma had seen advertisements for all month. They'd settled in on the couch, thighs touching and hands brushing, and by the time the first of several gruesome murders occurred onscreen, a serial killer could've burst in on _them_ and they wouldn't have noticed. "I have –"

"Curfew," he finished. "I know."

"Five more minutes," she suggested breathlessly, and fell back into his arms.

Sean could barely contain his emotions, he was so elated to have Emma not only back in his life, but in his arms like this. Just last week, she'd been spitting and clawing at him on the sidewalk, too angry to see straight and too drunk to stand up. And now here she was, eyes shining, smile blinding, content to stay in his arms as long as she could.

"I'm happy," Emma realized just as he was thinking that. She met his gaze in amazement. "I'm really, truly happy right now. I haven't felt this good in … a long time."

"I was just thinkin' the same thing," he agreed, tightening his grip on her waist.

"You're probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, you know that, right?"

He kissed her again, gently. "I love you, Em."

Her cell phone rang out shrilly, shattering the moment. Her brow furrowed. "Am I late yet?"

"No …" He let go of her so she could reach her purse, checking his watch as they separated. "You've got a good fifteen minutes."

She pressed 'End' on the phone and tossed it carelessly into her bag. "Then let's make the most of them, shall we?"

"That's the best idea you've had all night," he proclaimed, and welcomed her into his arms.


	11. Slowdance On The Inside

A million apologies to everyone who's been waiting so long for an update! I know I promised it much sooner, but you wouldn't believe the technical difficulties that have been wreaking havoc on my poor computer. I hope you're all still interested in the story, and I hope you remember to leave me your final thoughts on it. Enjoy!

… **Slowdance On The Inside**

_This glass house is burning down;_

_You light the match, I'll stick around._

The first clue that something was desperately wrong was the house itself. It was lit up like a Christmas tree, every window pouring forth a yellow glow that blazed like a warning flare against the midnight sky.

"Looks like everyone's still awake," Sean commented, accelerating ever so slightly. He knew that, after years of working three jobs to maintain a delicate balance between her debt and her savings, Spike hadn't been financially stable long enough to condone all that electricity being wasted.

"Looks like," Emma echoed. Following Sean's train of thought, she was fidgeting with the door handle before he'd even pulled into the drive. "Um, thanks for tonight, Sean. I'll … I'll call you later."

"Em, wait a sec." He scrambled to unlock his seatbelt and join her on the sidewalk. "I'll walk you to the door."

She could have refused. The words danced on the tip of her tongue before she swallowed them along with her pride. She could be independent and still be holding his hand as she faced whatever lay in wait across the threshold.

Sean had a similar reason for his act of chivalry. There wasn't much left that could happen to Emma in terms of personal tragedy, but just in case something _was_ wrong, he wanted to be with her. She could handle herself, he knew, but he didn't want her to ever have to.

"Mom? Snake?" Giving the door a gentle push, Emma stepped inside uncertainly, as if she wasn't exactly sure she belonged there. "Anyone home?"

Caitlyn rushed out of the kitchen, the phone pressed to her ear and Jack wailing in her arms. "Em, thank God! I've been trying to call you for half an hour!"

"I … turned off my phone," Emma explained faintly, exchanging a nervous glance with Sean. "What happened? Where's my Mom?"

"Oh, Emma." Caitlyn set the phone down so that her free hand could hover comfortingly over Emma's shoulder. Sean braced himself for the worst, steadying Emma in case the news was as bad as he was expecting. "Something happened with your dad."

Emma was already shaking her head. "No, that can't be right," she argued. "He was _fine_ earlier, better than ever!"

"I know, honey," Caitlyn soothed, "But he collapsed during dinner. They had to take him to the hospital for tests. Your Mom's with him, I can take you if –"

"I'll take her," Sean interrupted. He tightened his grip on Emma's hand, anchoring her to reality. "You stay with Jack, Caitlyn. I'll make sure she gets there safely."

"Great," Caitlyn said sincerely. "I'm gonna call Joey, let him know what's going on, and maybe if Craig's around to watch Jack we'll see you up there. Okay? Em? How's that sound?"

Emma was still in a daze. The only thing that made any sense to her was Sean's hand; warm and rough and undoubtedly _real_. She heard herself agree to the plan as if from a great distance, then allowed Sean to propel her out the door and into the biting night air.

Sean, noting the way her spine stiffened and her jaw clenched to prevent her teeth from chattering, secured his jean jacket around her shoulders and led her to the car. His mind was racing, his adrenaline pumping with a mixture of fear and anxiety. Emma had shut herself down, and he didn't know how to reach her when she was buried so deep inside herself.

There was nothing he could do to help, besides play chauffeur and hope for the best. So he focused his concentration on the road and pored all of his heart into hoping.

-X-

If Spike hadn't looked up at the exact moment she did, both Emma and Sean would have passed her by without a second glance. The woman slumped in the corner of the waiting room could not possibly be the woman at the core of the Nelson family support system. This woman was slouched so far down in her chair that she was almost on the floor, her shoulders hunched up around her chin, her head down in a position of utter defeat.

"I don't see her," Sean began to tell Emma, just as Spike's gaze landed on them. She stood, calling out her daughter's name, and Emma hurried to give her a tearful hug.

"Oh, Em, I'm so glad you made it. I tried to call, but the EMTs said we had to go and … oh, I'm a mess." Spike rubbed her eyes tiredly and, giving up any hope of holding herself together, told the truth. "The doctors aren't sure if he'll wake up, Em. It's about a fifty-fifty chance right now."

"That's not too bad," Sean tried, but Spike's sad eyes told him it wasn't that good, either. "Can he have visitors?"

Spike's eyes cut to Emma's silent form. "He's unconscious, but yes, if you want to go in, you can."

_She means _youEmma instructed herself silently. _Just suck it up and get it over with. You're a big girl, you can handle it._

_But what if I can't?_

_Oh, boo-hoo. Honestly! You're not the one with the health problems, now, are you? You can do whatever you want to. So get your ass in gear and go see your father._

Her father. That's what Snake had become in the past year. The kind of man she could look up to and talk with and confide in. The father she'd always wanted – and needed – in her life. After the shooting, it had been Snake who comforted her, who gave her warm hugs and kind words in the middle of the night. Before that, he had been the one to side with her against Spike in household matters, to arrange for her to have weekends free from baby-sitting, to have given Sean a second chance after he stole the laptop.

"I need to see him," Emma said firmly. Both her mother and Sean started. She had been eerily silent since Caitlyn had first broken the news. As they stared at her, she lifted her chin challengingly. "You said he can have visitors, right? Well, I want in."

"Of course you can see him, honey," Spike jumped to assure her. "Go right in. The doctors say he can hear us so …" she trailed off, unsure of how to finish.

"Want me to come in with you?" Sean offered.

Emma turned to face him, a small smile trembling on her lips. "No. No, I need to do this alone. But thank you. For everything."

Spike waited until the door had closed behind her daughter before breathing out a sigh of relief. "I was so afraid she wouldn't see him. Thank you, Sean, for bringing her." She met his gaze steadily. "And for being here for her."

She was referring to more than just his actions tonight, they both knew. He had saved Emma's life once and Spike had never gotten the chance to say what that meant to her. She looked at him now, really looked at him, and knew that he would do it again, jump in front of bullets and speeding trains and a fathers illness every day, for Emma's sake.

"You really love her, don't you?"

For a moment, Sean was taken aback, unsure of how to go about professing his love of Emma to her mother. How did a teenaged boy tell an adult that her daughter was the end-all, be-all of his existence, that the sun rose and set on her smile and that his heart fluttered every time she tilted her head to the side while concentrating deeply? How did he communicate all that emotion into words someone else would understand?

"Yeah," was what he settled on after a long moment of internal debate. "Yeah, I really do."

_Brilliant, Sean, _he mentally applauded his lackluster delivery. _Way to win her over._

Fortunately for him, it was exactly the right thing to say. Spike seemed to melt before his eyes, the tension seeping from her body, her worried expression softening to one of acceptance. "Then hold on to her, okay? No matter what happens tonight, or tomorrow, or ten years from now. Understand?"

Looking at her, still hopeful even after all the trauma she'd suffered, still standing after being knocked down countless times, he truly did.

-X-

Snake looked smaller in the hospital bed, a shrunken, shriveled version of the large, boisterous presence he'd been in their house. His eyes were closed, his face pale, his chest rising and falling in slow, painful gasps. Emma took a moment to collect her thoughts before taking a seat and beginning.

"I hope you can hear me," she told him honestly. "Because when you get better, I'm going to deny having said any of this. Okay?"

Another deep breath, another few seconds, and she was ready. "I think you saved our lives, Snake. Mom and me, I mean. We were doing all right when you came along, but just all right. We're survivors, but surviving isn't living. I guess you'd know about that better than anyone else.

"Anyway. You brought us to life. Mom, definitely. I've never heard her laugh with anyone how she laughs with you. She's so much better with you around, so much happier." Emma wanted nothing more than that smile back on her mother's face, lighting up rooms and hearts with its sincerity. "And me. Well, you know I hate admitting that I need help, but you always gave it anyways, mostly so that I didn't even know what you were doing. You were sneaky."

_Are, _she reminded herself. _Present tense, remember? He's not gone._

_Yet, _another little part of her answered back smugly.

_Present. Tense._

"_Are_ sneaky," Emma clarified, almost laughing at the dozens of little wars being waged inside her. She wanted to go crazy and run in every direction at once, she wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. She wanted to scream, she didn't want to speak for the next two months. She had no idea what to do with herself. But looking at Snake, seeing him laid out in front of her still breathing, still alive, gave her a kind of hope she hadn't felt since watching Sean fade away in the rearview mirror that day in Wasaga.

She sniffled, fighting back the tears that threatened to overtake her. "So whatever happens next, I just want you to hear this … thank you, _Dad_." She stressed the word, liking how it rolled off her tongue, how it _fit._ "For being the person you are, and for helping me be the person you knew I could be all along. I love you."

Crying openly now, she lay her head on his chest and listened to his heart beat as the monitor continued to beep steadily.

-X-

Sean returned from the hospital cafeteria bearing a bag of potato chips and two cans of Orange Slice, which he knew through Emma was the preferred drink of the Nelson women. He offered his findings to Spike and looked around anxiously.

"She already came out," Spike told him, popping the tab and pouring the warm, sticky liquid down her throat. "She said she was going to find you, but I think she might've made a stop in the chapel first."

"Oh." Sean had no idea what to do with himself. Should he find Emma and see how she was holding up, or was it wrong to leave Spike by herself? What was the proper etiquette when holding a vigil with you girlfriend's mother?

Spike seemed to sense his uncertainty and smiled, albeit tiredly, up at him. "You should go see her, Sean. I'll be fine. Caitlyn just called and she and Joey are on their way, so, really." She jerked her chin, gesturing for him to get moving. "Go."

"You sure?"

"_Go_."

"I'm going, I'm going," he fake-grumbled, setting the last soda down on the table beside her. "Hey, Spike?"

"Yes?"

"Mr. Simpson's the strongest guy I know." Averting his eyes embarrassedly, Sean shrugged. "Just … I'd bet money on him pulling through."

Spike nodded, ducking her head so the boy wouldn't see her tearing up again. Taking that as his cue, Sean left the waiting room and went where he'd been heading since Grade Seven – to Emma.

-X-

The chapel was small and quiet, empty but for the lone figure kneeling in its front pew, her blond head bowed in prayer or mourning. It made Sean nervous that he couldn't tell which from his vantage point at the room's entrance.

"Em?" he spoke softly when he reached her, as everyone was trained to do in such situations. "How was he?"

She lifted her head and he was relieved to see that, though her cheeks were tear-stained, her eyes were dry and her expression somewhat calm. "Still not awake," she answered, patting the bench beside her in invitation. He sat and she stood, moving towards the altar of flickering candles. "So no real change."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm lighting a candle," she said, doing so. "For my father."

He was silent for a while, unsure of how to proceed as she gave life to the wick and studied its small bulb of heat. "Everything's gonna be okay, Em," he said slowly. "You know that, right?"

He waited, somewhat nervously, for a response. Finally, she turned to him and held out her hand. "It doesn't have to be," she replied as their fingers knotted together in a familiar fashion. "I get that now. It doesn't all have to be perfect … as long as _this_ is."

Overwhelmed with love for her, he could do nothing but smile dumbly as her thumb brushed gently across his knuckles. And Emma, this Emma in front of him that was both old and new, smiled back at him. A real smile, one that reached her eyes and made them sparkle, one that lifted her chin and straightened her shoulders and filled him with hope – for her, for them, for their future.

They could deal with anything life threw their way, Sean knew. With her in his corner and him at her back, nothing would stop them. He knew she knew it now too, in the way she touched his face gently before pulling him in for a kiss that sealed the deal.

Life would happen. They would survive. Together.


End file.
